all I want is a proper cup of coffee

 

Many years ago, Mrs. Pincus and I purchased a Keurig coffee maker and it was one of the best purchases we ever made. I love having a cup of coffee every morning, but brewing it in a coffee pot is time-consuming. The Keurig is easy to operate and very convenient. Sure, it's not exactly environmentally friendly. Actually, the single-serving patented K-cups are not recyclable. But, we are hoping that one day, they'll figure out a way to recycle them. (Honestly, Mrs. Pincus is more concerned about the future of recyclable K-cups. I don't really care.)

curse ya! curse ya! curse ya!

Recently, we had been finding a small puddle on our kitchen counter near the water reservoir of our Keurig. Thinking it was just an errant spill, it was sopped up with a paper towel. But, everyday there was a puddle again and, some days, the puddle was bigger that the day before. So, we started looking at new models of Keurig coffee makers to replace our current one, which obviously had seen better days. It still worked, but age had gotten the better of it.

Through some creative finances, including cashback incentives, reward points and discounts, Mrs. P managed a terrific deal on a brand new Keurig coffee maker. When she brought the new one home, I unpacked it and set it up in the spot on our kitchen counter, previously occupied by our old, leaky Keurig. I read over the new instructions, noting a few new features. The old Keuring sat on the counter, off to the side, its power cord coiled behind it like a dead snake. It silently awaited its fate. The ever-enterprising Mrs. P first suggested that it be stored with a collection of odds and ends on our back porch, waiting for the first nice day next spring, when it could be offered for second-hand purchase at our annual yard sale. But, Mrs. Pincus came up with another idea. She took a bunch of pictures of our old Keurig and offered it for sale on a few local "Facebook Yard Sale" pages. A brand new Keurig can run upwards of one-hundred-plus dollars. My wife put a twenty dollar price tag on it, with full disclosure of the water leak and she accompanied the post with a number of pictures showing our once-loyal Keurig from every possible angle, as though it was on a coffee maker "Wanted" poster.

...with diamond legs and handles

On Saturday, just a few days after Mrs. P placed the listing for our Keurig, she got a message from an interested potential buyer. The first thing the "buyer" asked was "Will you take ten dollars for it?" Mrs. Pincus frowned. "No, I will not.," she thought. These things are over a hundred bucks and this still works with a slight inconvenience. Hell, we were just using it last week. A quick swipe with a paper towel and your problems were solved. We began emptying the reservoir and only filling it with enough water to make a single cup of coffee. So.... twenty dollars was pretty reasonable. And from the pictures, one could tell it was in really good condition. The "buyer" countered at fifteen dollars. Not wanting appear as "the jerk," my wife sighed and consented to fifteen dollars. She then began making arrangements to meet the "buyer" on Sunday for the exchange. The "buyer" lives in Glenside, a small community not too far from our own small community. Mrs. P suggested the parking lot of a 7-11 that was midway between our two houses. The "buyer" agreed and a time a bit after noon was agreed upon. I loaded the Keurig into the back of my wife's car and she drove off to meet her "buyer."

A little over twenty minutes later, she pulled her car into our driveway. She had a look of vexed disgust on her face.

"What?," I asked, my single word inquiry covering the entire realm of my curiosity. I spotted the Keurig in the back of the car, in nearly the same spot I had placed it.

Mrs. P explained, "I got out of the car. I opened the back door and took out the Keurig. I turned around, holding it in my hands. The guy looks at it and says 'That's not what I want.' I turned around, put it back in the car and drove away."

Then she added, "I don't have time for this shit."

www.joshpincusiscrying.com

I am the pumpkin king

Summer is winding down to a close. The humidity is dissipating and the air has begun to take on a crisp coolness. Kids are returning to school. Green leaves are starting to change to hues of red and gold. It's a beautiful time of year. It's a time to cram pumpkin, cinnamon and nutmeg into every fucking thing we eat and drink.

For eight to ten weeks at the end of every year, every purveyor of food products (from huge conglomerates to small Mom and Pops) unleashes a pumpkin spice-fortified version of their particular commodity. Who decided that the one slice of pumpkin pie we eat at the conclusion of our Thanksgiving meal cannot possibly pacify our insatiable craving for pumpkin spice? Do we really require a full-on pumpkin-cinnamon-nutmeg (allspice, maybe?) experience at every meal and in every component of that meal? The marketing departments of the nation's top food and beverage suppliers think you do. And — face it — they know what is best for you.

Let's start with breakfast. Pumpkin spice has infiltrated waffles, pancakes (and the accompanying syrup), doughnuts, bagels (and their recently-introduced cousins, the bagel thin). Need a spread for your pumpkin spice bagel? You have your choice of pumpkin spice margarine or pumpkin spice cream cheese. Not enough cinnamon in your cinnamon roll? How about adding more... along with its friends pumpkin and nutmeg! In a hurry? Just grab a convenient container of pumpkin spice yogurt and off you go!

What breakfast would be complete with out a hot beverage? There's a wide variety of pumpkin spice coffee and tea, some already prepared and some you can make at home. There's even pumpkin spice coffee-flavored ice cream that's sure to thoroughly confuse your taste buds.

You can't have pumpkin spice coffee without a splash of pumpkin spice flavored cream, right? Well, here's a choice of two different brands. And for the non-coffee drinkers, there are at least seven different brands of pumpkin spice milk, including some for the lactose intolerant. Milk not your style? Don't fret. Pumpkin spice has made it into egg nog. There's even a bottled version of pumpkin spice latte, for those early mornings or late nights when Starbucks is closed.

Snack time is pumpkin spice time, too. None of your favorite between meal noshes can escape the pumpkin spice assault! Cookies, in pre-packaged and mix form, are available in everyone's favorite autumnal flavor. M&Ms®, Hershey Kisses®, not even candy corn is exempt! You can add pumpkin spice almonds (pick your favorite brand!) to a pumpkin spice cupcake mix and decorate the end result with pumpkin spice marshmallows. (If the mix requires baking emulsion, a pumpkin spice version is readily available. Lucky you!) While the cupcakes are baking, you can munch on some pumpkin spice potato chips. Or, if you're looking for a healthier option, you may choose a pumpkin spice flax seed granola bar. And if cupcakes aren't to your liking, there's always room for Jell-O® — especially if it's  — you guessed it! — pumpkin spice flavored.

Let's see. What have I left out? A lot, actually. There's peanut butter. There's gum. There's even dietary supplement! According to the label, it's a blend of organic protein, greens, fruits and veggies. I suppose that nutmeg is covered somewhere in that list. And it looks like pumpkin spice has not limited itself to food. It has found its way into candles and bubble bath, too. Now, your home and your skin can radiate the musky sweet scent of goodies from Grandma's oven.

Is all this enough to drive you to drink? Well, you're not safe there, either. Beer, Kahlua® and three kinds of vodka – they've all been poisoned suitably garnished.

In the years to come, I suspect it will only get worse. The "powers that be" (the test kitchens of Starbucks, Kraft, Procter & Gamble and Unilever) will experiment and concoct ways of introducing pumpkin spice to products you never knew needed pumpkin spice. Just take comfort in knowing that it only lasts a few weeks.

After that, everything will be peppermint flavored until January.

www.joshpincusiscrying.com

they put coffee in their coffee in Brazil

Java.

Mud.

Joe.

From its beginnings in 15th century Yemenite monasteries, coffee has become a staple in the life of 100 million Americans. Ward Cleaver, Steve Douglas or Mike Brady wouldn't have dreamed of starting a day without it. When time-traveler Marty McFly stumbled upon his father's adolescent hangout, Lou the counterman served him up a steaming cup of coffee when the request came for "something without sugar in it." Jerry Seinfeld and George Costanza spent nine seasons picking apart their lives over a cup of coffee. Special Agent Dale Cooper wouldn't have made it through an investigation without a slice of cherry pie and "a damn fine cup of coffee."

I began drinking coffee in high school. Once I started art school, I drank coffee daily, downing three or four cups on some days. As an adult, I start every morning with a cup of coffee. A year or so ago, we purchased a Keurig single-cup coffee maker and things couldn't have gotten more convenient. I have a cup of coffee before I leave for work and another one when I arrive at my office. Sometimes, I'll even swallow an additional cup in the late afternoon. I've been doing that for years.

Coffee was the original no-frills beverage. It didn't get much simpler than hot water forced through ground coffee beans. It was quick. It was hot and it was cheap. As reflected in the 1955 setting of Back to the Future, coffee was a nickel a cup. The classic panhandler begged for a few spare coins for a cup of coffee. The cheapest date you could plan was "Hey, let's meet for coffee." You could impress (or repel) a girl for under a buck.

Then something happened to coffee.

Coffee became the drink of choice among the coolest members of society. Coffee connoisseurs began to spring up everywhere. Exclusive coffee specialty shops opened on every corner. Ordering a hot beverage was as intricate as giving instructions on landing an aircraft. And then, those complicated instructions got compacted into truncated code. A secret language only understood by elite coffee drinkers and seasoned baristas. There's another word — barista!  Who ever heard that word  before Starbucks invaded our lives?

Now, before you spill your tall skinny half-caff double-shot vanilla latte, I am not about to knock Starbucks. Look what Starbucks has accomplished. They have succeeded in making us go from starting our mornings with a small, dark cup of plain brewed Maxwell House to carrying a bucket-sized container of overly-sweetened coffee that looks like an ice cream sundae and costs as much as two dozen donuts. And they did it in about a decade. Starbucks has spawned a number of copycats and together they have turned the humble cup of coffee into an 18-billion dollar industry in the United States. Homeless can no longer just ask "spare some change for coffee." At that rate, it would take months to accumulate enough money for a "short" (or as we long-time coffee drinkers say: "small"). As a supporter of free enterprise, I have no problem with Starbucks. More power to them. I just don't like the taste of their coffee. I do, however, admire their achievement in getting society to accept whipped cream and chocolate syrup in the same "coffee condiment" category as sugar and half-n-half.

I'm gonna run out for some coffee now.

www.joshpincusiscrying.com