it was all of sixty-five years ago

Well, this is it. I reached a so-called milestone. Sixty-five! The traditional age of retirement... although that concept appears to be no where in sight. I expect to go out the way my father went out. Working every day until  my collapsed body is dragged out from behind my desk, a rigor mortis grip tightly locked on my wireless mouse, right in the middle of making some asshole's logo bigger for the tenth time... that day!

I suppose I should consider myself lucky. As of right now, I have outlived a lot of people who have achieved more fame and notoriety is a shorter period of time. Shorter by one year, to be exact. People like...

Lyndon Johnson and Franklin Pierce both served as president of the United States. Johnson became president after the assassination of President John Kennedy. Some pretty significant laws were passed during his administration including those concerning civil rights, gun control and social security. However, his escalation of the Vietnam War was heavily criticized. After serving a full term, he did not seek re-election. Franklin Pierce's policies were determined by historians to have contributed to the start of the Civil War. He is consistently ranked as one of the worst presidents in United States history. Both Johnson and Pierce died at the age of 64.

Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis was one of the most recognizable First Ladies in the history of the United States. Her iconic fashion style and genial personality made her extremely popular. She was by the side of her husband on that day in Dallas and famously wore the blood-splattered dress for days afterwards. She married shipping magnate Aristotle Onassis under much public scrutiny. Jackie became a respected editor at Viking Press and Doubleday. She died at 64 and was interred next to JFK at Arlington Cemetery.

Sammy Davis Jr. began his celebrated career in show business at the age of two. As the featured performer in the Will Mastin Trio, little Sammy delighted vaudeville audiences with his dancing, singing and personality. He went on to become an all-around, multi-talented entertainment icon, with great success in films, in nightclubs, on television, on recordings and on the Broadway stage. As a charter member of the notorious "Rat Pack," Sammy rubbed elbows with Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin, yet continued to battle racism and discrimination even at the height of his career. A lifelong smoker, Sammy succumbed to throat cancer at the age of 64.

Waylon Jennings was an influential singer and a pioneer in the "Outlaw Country" genre of music. In 1959, as part of Buddy Holly's "Winter Party" Tour, 22-year old Waylon gave his seat on the plane to J.P. Richardson (The Big Bopper) who was suffering from the flu. Waylon would take the tour bus instead to the next stop. Buddy Holly argued with Waylon about the transportation choices, until finally agreeing to take the plane, quipping to Waylon "I hope your bus freezes." to which Waylon jokingly replied: "I hope your plane crashes."  Waylon lived another 42 years, dying in 2002 at the age of 64.

Hannibal was a general and war strategist who famously led the Carthaginian army across the Alps on elephants to battle the mighty Roman Empire. His assaults spooked the Roman so that the cry of "Hannibal ad portas" (Hannibal is at the gates!") was applied to any grave and threatening situation. Hannibal lived to be 64.

Donna Reed was a popular pin-up during World War II, right alongside beauties like Betty Grable and Rita Hayworth. Always a favorite in films, Donna won an Oscar in 1953 for her out-of-character turn as a prostitute in From Here to Eternity. Based on the role, Donna was inexplicably recruited to play a typical suburban housewife in the long-running sitcom The Donna Reed Show. She later briefly took over the role of family matriarch "Miss Ellie" on the night-time soap Dallas. When original actress Barbara Bel Geddes opted to return to the role, Donna sued for breach of contract. She passed away a short time later at the age of 64.

"Shoeless" Joe Jackson was a pretty good baseball player. He had a career batting average of .386 and set several team records that still hold today. In 1919, as a member of the Chicago White Sox, Joe, along with his teammates, was accused of throwing the World Series as part of a deal with organized crime. Although he admitted to accepting bribe money, Joe made several spectacular plays and  hit the only home run in the series. Nevertheless, ruthless baseball commissioner Kennesaw Mountain Landis imposed a lifetime ban from baseball on eight players. Joe went on to manage a few amateur teams and later opened a dry cleaner with his wife. He died in 1951 at 64.

Malcolm Young was a founding member of the Australian band AC/DC. With his younger brother Angus on lead guitar, Malcolm assembled the band who opened a 1977 European tour for headliners Black Sabbath. Their stage presence, searing guitars and screeching vocals by Bon Scott catapulted the band to international stardom. Malcolm suffered from alcoholism, then later lung cancer and heart ailments. An eventual diagnosis of dementia ended his playing career in 2014. He retired from the band and passed away in 2017 at the age of 64.

Tiny Tim was born Herbert Khoury and had been performing his brand of folk singing since the 1950s under a series of stage names. He performed on a stage at the Expo 67 World's Fair, where the crowd pelted him with beer cans. Tiny Tim appeared on the very first broadcast of Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In, much to the bewilderment of co-host Dick Martin. Tiny Tim went on to appear on the show 22 more times. He became a pop culture curiosity, with stints on The Ed Sullivan Show, The Tonight Show and even charting on the Billboard Hot 100. He enjoyed a nine-day run at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas. He remained an enigmatic performer into the 90s. In 1996, he suffered a heart attack on stage while singing his signature "Tip Toe Through the Tulips." Several attempts at resuscitation were unsuccessful. Tiny Tim was 64.

Al Jolson was wildly popular in his day. He was known as "The World's Greatest Entertainer" years before Sammy Davis Jr. Al's unique song stylings and exaggerated facial expressions were keys to his success. His appearance in 1927's The Jazz Singer, the first "talking" picture, only added to his mystique. Al was the first performer to entertain troops overseas during World War II. He even provided his own voice for actor Larry Parks to lip-sync in the biopic The Jolson Story. He died four years after its release at the age of 64.

Lisa Loring played the adorably morbid "Wednesday Addams" in the 1964 sitcom The Addams Family, based on the cartoons of the equally-morbid Charles Addams. Later, Lisa was "Cricket Montgomery" on the long-running CBS soap opera As The World Turns. Lisa stayed in the industry, working behind the scenes as a make-up artist. She frequently appeared at conventions where she loved to mingle with her fans. She died unexpectedly from a stroke at 64.

Gig Young was a well-known and popular actor, although reportedly difficult to work with. Always an intense performer, Gig won the 1970 Best Supporting Actor Oscar for his role in They Shoot Horses, Don't They? His reputation as an alcoholic lost a lot of acting roles for him. Producer Mel Brooks offered Gig a "comeback" role in his comedy Blazing Saddles. Gig showed up drunk for the first day of shooting, experiencing an episode of the delirium tremens on set. He was fired, with Gene Wilder taking over the role. In 1978, just three weeks after marrying his fifth wife, Gig fatally shot her then shot himself. He was 64.

Joseph Pulitzer was a renowned newspaper publisher and a leading figure in the Democratic Party. He had a fierce professional rivalry with William Randolph Hearst. He set up and subsidized the world's first school of journalism and Columbia University. Six years after his death at 64, Columbia University awarded the first prizes for journalism named in Pulitzer's honor.

Allan Pinkerton was a barrel maker by trade. While out in the woods looking for wood, he stumbled upon a band of counterfeiters. Allan observed their actions and reported them to the local sheriff's office. This led to his appointment as Chicago's first police detective. This led to his own private detective agency. Allan foiled an early plot to assassinate President Lincoln. He also provided military intelligence for the Union Army during the Civil War. Later, he became a major opposition to the labor movement in the United States, generally tarnishing the Pinkerton legacy. In 1884, Allan slipped on a sidewalk and bit his tongue. He contracted gangrene and died at the age of 64.

Malcolm McLaren served as manager for early punk bands including The New York Dolls, Bow Wow Wow and Adam and the Ants. In 1977, he introduced the world to Johnny Rotten and the Sex Pistols. Malcolm dabbled in fashion merchandising, as well as a solo musical career and an unsuccessful run for Mayor of London. He was diagnosed with peritoneal mesothelioma and died from the disease at 64. His last words were "Free Leonard Peltier," referencing an imprisoned Native American activist convicted of murdering two FBI agents.

None of these people lived long enough to collect Social Security, be eligible for Medicare or obtain a SEPTA senior pass for free transportation. I may not have started a detective agency or a journalism school. I may not have represented famous rock bands. I may not have dodged death in a plane crash or been elected president of the United States (or even married one), but I'm here to write about it.... and they're not.

Happy birthday to me. Another one down.

www.joshpincusiscrying.com

will you still need me, will you still feed me

Tomorrow is my 64th birthday. 

In May 1956, 14-year old Paul McCartney started writing a little ditty about being 64. Despite the onslaught of rock and roll on young Paul's radio, he decided to compose the song in a cabaret style. Eleven years later and riding high on worldwide popularity, Paul dug out his composition and convinced his bandmates in the Beatles to record the tune for inclusion on their groundbreaking Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. I'm sure John balked, as he often derided a lot of Paul's songs as "Granny music," but the bespectacled Beatle contributed some additional lyrics to the song and it proved to be both endearing and enduring. It went on to be covered by dozens of other artists from Cheap Trick and John Denver to Claudine Longet, The Flaming Lips and Keith Moon. Well, Paul, I find myself asking the same questions that your chorus poses.

When I reached my 60s, I started to think about my own mortality. I know I'm not going to live forever. No one lives forever. For the past few years, around this time of year, I have written about folks that have achieved great notoriety, but that I have outlived. Here are some people you may have heard of that didn't live to see their 64th birthday.

John Banner was an actor who fled his native Austria in 1938 when Hitler's regime annexed his homeland as part of Nazi Germany. He ultimately got his own little revenge by playing buffoonish German soldier "Sgt. Schultz" in the 60s sitcom Hogan's Heroes. Portraying the character as a dimwitted goof gave John a lot of satisfaction. He played other roles — both humorous and dramatic — on television and in movies. He died on his 63rd birthday.

Robin Williams was a multi-faceted, multi-talented actor and comedian. His breakout role as TV's loveable alien "Mork from Ork" was the springboard for a celebrated career that included stand-up comedy, numerous dramatic and comedic films, voice-over work and even an Academy Award. Robin secretly dealt with a lifetime of depression and, after a diagnosis of Parkinson's disease and Lewy Body dementia, he took his own life on August 11, 2014 — my 53rd birthday. Robin was 63.

Audrey Hepburn was the perfect combination of poise, beauty and talent. She starred in a number of popular films from light comedy to musicals to harrowing suspense — turning in stellar performances in each and every role. She was awarded an Oscar, an Emmy, a Grammy and a Tony (the rare and coveted EGOT) and earned herself the moniker of "legend," a term often applied to non-deserving celebrities. But in Audrey's case, she embodied "legend." A life-long humanitarian and advocate for UNICEF, Audrey passed away at the age of 63.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt served as President of the United States longer that anyone else. He was elected for four consecutive terms and is considered by political experts as one of the greatest presidents in US history. Just prior to a scheduled appearance at the UN, he posed for a portrait by artist Elizabeth Shoumatoff. The president said, "I have a terrific headache" and slumped forward in his chair, having suffered a fatal cerebral hemorrhage. He was 63 years old.

Ulysses S. Grant led the Union Army to victory in the Civil War. In 1869, he was elected the 18th President of the United States. He advocated the Fifteenth Amendment to the Construction and is generally considered to have served an effective presidency. After leaving office, he wrote a memoir which he completed on July 18, 1885. He died five days later at the age of 63.

Wilt Chamberlain was arguably one of the greatest basketball players of all time. Standing at a little over seven feet tall, Wilt held 72 NBA records, including the only player to score 100 points in a game. After his retirement, Wilt was the commercial spokesman for several companies including TWA, American Express, Lite Beer and Volkswagen. He owned a nightclub in Harlem and invested in thoroughbred horse breeding. He claimed to have had sex with 20,000 women. He died of congestive heart failure at 63 — with a smile on his face.

Donna Summer enjoyed a successful career as a singer in the disco era. Her string of hit songs earned her the well-deserved nickname "Queen of Disco." She released 18 albums (ten of them certified gold) and almost 90 singles. She even dabbled in acting, playing the aunt of "Steve Urkel" in an episode of the 90s sitcom Family Matters. A non-smoker, Donna passed away from lung cancer at 63.

James Baldwin was a writer, poet and outspoken activist for civil rights. His 1955 collection of essays "Notes of a Native Son," elevated James as a influential voice for human equality. His works raised awareness of sexuality, race, gender roles and class designation. He died at 63 in 1987, while working on a memoir. His publisher, McGraw-Hill, sued his estate for the $20,000 advance they paid for the proposed book. The suit was dropped in 1990.

Mickey Mantle was considered one of the greatest ever to play the game of baseball. With 563 career homeruns, he is the only player in baseball history to hit 150 homeruns from each side of the plate. "The Mick" appeared in 12 World Series and holds eight World Series records. Off the field, his life was filled with tragedy, including a failed marriage, infidelity, poor business decisions and alcohol abuse. He died from liver cancer at 63.

Alfred Nobel was an inventor, holding 355 patents. He is most famous for inventing dynamite. When he died, at 63, he donated his fortune to fund the Nobel Prize which annually recognizes those who "conferred the greatest benefit to humankind."

Rembrandt Harmenszoon van Rijn is widely regarded as one of the greatest visual artists in the history of Western art. He produced work in a wide range of subjects including portraits, landscapes. biblical scenes, animal studies and allegorical depictions. He was a master of light and dark and composition. However, his personal life was fraught with turmoil and legal and financial shortcomings. He died nearly destitute at 63.

William Holden was a celebrated actor, with starring roles in Sunset Boulevard, Sabrina and his Oscar-winning turn in Stalag 17. He held is own alongside Humphrey Bogart, Glenn Ford and George Raft in Westerns and gangster films. He remained popular into the 60s and 70s, as part of an all-star cast in The Towering Inferno, Network and an Emmy-winning performance in TV's The Blue Knight. In 1981, a drunken William Holden tripped and fell in his Santa Monica apartment. He hit his head on a table and bled to death. He was discovered four days later, just inches from a working telephone. He was 63.

Guglielmo Marconi invented the radio. He founded the Wireless Telegraph & Signal Company and was awarded the Nobel Prize in Physics in 1909. Sure, he was a fascist anti-Semite, but — c'mon! — the goddamn radio! He died in 1937 at the age of 63.

Patrick Henry was a noted figure in the American Revolution. A patriot of the first order, he famously declared "Give me liberty or give me death!" Liberty did eventually come, but so did death — 24 years later — at the age of 63.

Tommy Cooper was a popular British comedian known for his manic delivery, silly magic tricks and signature red fez. He died on live television in the middle of his act. He was 63.

Dock Ellis holds the Major League Baseball record for pitching a no-hitter while under the influence of LSD. A famously colorful character, Dock purposely tried to hit every batter in the Cincinnati Reds line-up until he was pulled from the game by his frustrated manager. A heavy drinker, Dock died at 63 while waiting for a liver transplant.

Tomorrow, I turn 64. I never invented anything of worldwide significance. I never set any sports records. I never won an entertainment award. I never inspired a nation to seek independence. My artwork has never been revered for its technical achievements. But... I will — most likely — make it to 64.

I'll let you know tomorrow.

www.joshpincusiscrying.com

doin' alright

Today is my birthday. Another trip around the sun and here I am... 63. I am three years away from the age at which my father died. I like to think I am in much better shape than my father was at 63. He smoked a lot. He ate a lot of red meat and he ignored any remote symptom of an illness. It's a wonder he lived as long as he did.  But, I digress....

There are a number of folks who didn't make it to the age of 63. Some... make that all... accomplished way more than I did (thus far) in my life. However, I am still breathing and still have the opportunity to achieve. eh.... who am I kidding. Bottom line, I'm alive and these people never made it to 63... so there's that.

Carl Sagan was a renowned astronomer, long before Neil deGrasse Tyson was everybody's go-to guy for all things cosmos. As a matter of fact, Carl Sagan hosted a popular television series called Cosmos that dealt with the universe, the stars and the possibility of life out there. He was an author and frequent talk show guest, where he would enlighten the unenlightened and propose the very real idea of extraterrestrial life. Unrelated, he was an early advocate for the legalization of marijuana. After a diagnosis of myelodysplastic syndrome and receiving several bone marrow transplants, Sagan passed away from pneumonia at the age of 62.

Edward Smith was the captain of the ill-fated RMS Titanic. In 1912, the Titanic, on its maiden voyage, collided with an iceberg and sank in the north Atlantic Ocean. Smith, like any truly dedicated captain, went down with his ship. He was 62.

Martin Luther was a German priest who famously criticized the Catholic Church and butted heads with Pope Leo X. He was a seminal figure in the Protestant Reformation. He suffered a stroke in 1546 and passed away at the age of 62.

J. Robert Oppenheimer was the director of the secretive "Manhattan Project" and recognized as the "father" of the atomic bomb. A chain smoker for most of his life, he died from throat cancer at the age of 62.

Michel de Nostredame (better known as Nostradamus) was an astrologist and physician, famous for making astonishingly accurate predications of future events. He died in 1566 at the age of 62. He never saw it coming.

Jack Webb was an actor, director, writer and producer. A stickler for detail, he pioneered the procedural police drama way back in the days of radio with his program Dragnet. He brought Dragnet to television and the popular format spawned other shows including Adam-12 and Emergency! He suffered a fatal heart attack at 62. He was given a funeral with full LA police department honors.

Elizabeth Montgomery followed in her father's footsteps in making a career as an actress. She appeared in numerous roles in early television anthology series until her star-making role of lovable witch "Samantha Stephens" in the popular sitcom Bewitched. After eight seasons, she moved on to other, mostly dramatic, roles, including Mrs. Sundance, The Legend of Lizzie Borden and the hard-hitting A Case of Rape. She was an outspoken advocate for gay rights and a frequent guest on TV game shows. She passed away from cancer at 62.

Robin Gibb gained international popularity with his brothers Barry and Maurice as a member of the Bee Gees. In the late 70s "disco era," the Bee Gees were one of the biggest names in entertainment. Robin Gibb toured and recorded with his brothers and even embarked on a brief solo career. He was diagnosed with cancer in 2011. According to his son, Gibb's cancer had gone into remission and he died from kidney failure. He was 62.

Denise Nickerson was an actress, best remembered as the gum-chewing, wise-cracking "Violet Beauregard" in the 1971 film Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. She was later featured in multiple roles in the gothic soap opera Dark Shadows. Nickerson left show business and found work as a receptionist at a doctor's office. In 2019 and in poor health, she overdosed on prescription medication and fell into a coma. She died at age 62.

Boston Corbett was a whack-job who led the posse to seek out and arrest presidential assassin John Wilkes Booth. Against specific orders, Corbett fatally shot Booth, claiming self-defense. (It was later determined that Booth never drew his weapon nor did he even see Corbett.) After enjoying a reign of dubious fame, Corbett threatened various government officials and was relieved of his military duties at the Kansas House of Representatives. He settled in a cabin in the Minnesota wilderness, eventually dying in a fire at 62.

L. Frank Baum was a prolific writer, penning 14 books in his famed chronicles of the Land of Oz. In addition, he wrote 41 other novels, 200 poems, 42 plays and 83 short stories. Just prior to his death at 62, he had hoped to establish a studio to produce children's films

Louis Chevrolet was a race car enthusiast who participated in the Indianapolis 500 four times, with a best overall finish of seventh place. In 1911, he founded his namesake automobile manufacturing company and later the Frontenac Motor Corporation which made parts for Henry Ford's company.. He died at the age of 62.

Hernán Cortes was a Spanish conquistador who, at the age of 28, embarked on an expedition to Mexico that led to the fall of the Aztec Empire. He succumbed to dysentery at the age of 62.

Lou Pearlman, despite being a piece of shit, created the blueprints for every "boy band" of the 1990s. Starting with the Backstreet Boys, Pearlman was the marketing brains behind *NSYNC, O-Town, LFO and Take 5. He was sued by nearly every band he created and represented. He died in prison at 62.

Toby Keith was a Grammy-nominated singer and songwriter who charted 61 songs on the Billboard Country Music chart. His popularity allowed him to license his name and likeness for a chain of restaurants called "I Love This Bar & Grill," a reference to one of his songs. He died earlier this year at 62.

 

Farrah Fawcett was an actress and the dream girl of every teenage boy in the middle 1970s. With her megawatt smile and iconic feathered hair, Fawcett tried her best to break out of her sex symbol stature with more substantial dramatic roles, including the critically acclaimed The Burning Bed. A documentary about her life and struggle with cancer was produced by her longtime partner, actor Ryan O'Neal and friend Alana Stewart, both of whom were by Fawcett's side when she died at 62.

I may not conquer an empire, develop a devastating military weapon or license my name to a chain of eateries (don't get your heart set on dining at Josh Pincus' House of Veggie Burgers), but, as far as I can see, I still have time to accomplish those goals. 

Or maybe I'll just continue to go to work.

www.joshpincusiscrying.com

sixty years on

I recently... celebrated? .... let's go with "acknowledged" my 62nd birthday. It's a pretty inauspicious milestone. Too young for retirement (as though I could actually retire). Too old to check those survey boxes that list "35-59" as an age demographic for marketing purposes. But as a new 62-year old, I am happy to report that I have outlived some pretty significant folks. Sure, these people accomplished way more than I ever dreamed of, but I have surpassed them in time on Earth, thus offering more time for achievements equal to or perhaps even greater than theirs.

Sally Ride was the first American woman in space, as well as the youngest American astronaut. After a career at NASA, Sally was a professor of physics at USC-San Diego. She passed away in 2012 at the age of 61.

Ernest Hemingway was a Nobel-winning author, widely regarded as one of America's greatest writers. In addition, he was a noted war correspondent, covering The Spanish Civil War and World War II. He was pretty handy with a shotgun, using one to take his own life in 1961 at the age of 61.

Anthony Bourdain was a chef and an adventurer. His legions of fans lived vicariously through Bourdain's travels and endevours across the globe. He lived a life of chances and risks, eventually taking his own life in 2018 at the age of 61.

Aisin-Gioro Puyi became Emperor of China in 1908 at the age of two. He mostly served as a puppet ruler, carrying out atrocities on his country at the behest of the Japanese government. He was eventually jailed by the manipulative and powerful authorities in Japan. He died of cancer at 61, expressing deep regret for his actions.

Sergei Prokofiev was a celebrated pianist and composer, best remembered for his ballet Romeo & Juliet and his "symphonic tale for children" Peter and the Wolf. He composed seven complete operas, seven symphonies, eight ballets, five piano concertos, two violin concertos, a cello concerto, a symphony-concerto for cello and orchestra, and nine piano sonatas before his death in 1953 at the age of 61.

Cynthia Myers was a popular Playboy Playmate in the 1960s. A copy of her centerfold was secretly smuggled aboard the 1969 flight of Apollo 12. Cynthia made frequent appearances on the TV series Playboy After Dark and later served as a spokesmodel for Schlitz Beer. She was an early vocal witness of Bill Cosby's illicit behavior at the Playboy Mansion, as later related in a 1994 interview. Cynthia died in 2011 at the age of 61.

Roderick Toombs adopted the name "Roddy Piper," based on his proficiency of the bagpipes. He gained worldwide popularity for his antics in the wrestling ring and, despite his villainous persona, he was a fan favorite. Roddy dabbled in film and television and made regular appearances at conventions where he mingled with his fans. He died in his sleep from a pulmonary embolism at the age of 61.

Billy Martin was a second baseman but gained his notorious reputation as a manager. Billy served as manager for several Major League Baseball teams, including five separate stints with the New York Yankees. Despite 5 World Series Championships, Billy regularly butted heads with Yankees owner George Steinbrenner. Following a dismissal at the end of the 1988 season, Billy was killed in a single-car accident on Christmas Day 1989. He was 61.

Huddle Ledbetter, better known as "Leadbelly," was a multi-instrumentalist who introduced a number of compositions into the American songbook, including "Goodnight, Irene," "In The Pines," "Midnight Special" and "Cotton Fields." He sang and wrote about topical subjects including politics and racial issues. He often advised his black audiences to "stay woke," in one of the earliest known uses of the term. Leadbelly died in 1949 at the age of 61.

Peter Lawford was an actor and cohort of Frank Sinatra in the illustrious Rat Pack. He was a constant companion of the singer. Peter married JFK's sister Patricia, giving politically-connected Sinatra an "in" with America's so-called "first family." But a politically-charged falling out with Lawford led to an end of their friendship. Peter popped up on television throughout the 60s and 70s without Sinatra's help. After years of various substance abuse, he died from a heart attack at 61.

Goru Suzuki was born on a ship in en route to Japan. Although they were residents of Oakland, his parents wanted their son to be born in Japan. Goru lived in Oakland until his family was sent to an interment camp in Utah during World War II. With a leaning toward entertainment and hoping to avoid Japanese prejudice, Goru changed his name to the more Chinese "Jack Soo" and worked as a stand-up comic and singer in a Cleveland nightclub. He appeared on Broadway and many guest roles in television before landing the familiar role of "Detective Yemana" in the sitcom Barney Miller. Jack died during the fourth season of the series at the age of 61.

I don't expect to manage a baseball team or fly into space or write a symphony or rub elbows with political figures or appear in a sitcom or write the "great American novel," but at least I have time ahead of me to accomplish at any and all of those.

I guess...

www.joshpincusiscrying.com

cut the cake

My mother-in-law's birthday was a week or so ago and my wife thought it would be nice to buy her a little cake to celebrate the occasion. Mrs. Pincus happened to be out on a weekly grocery run to pick up staple items for our house as well as for her parents. She found herself a BJ's Wholesale Club, a sprawling nationwide operation that — in these strange times of social distancing — allows for such practice purely because of the vast size of the building. BJ's Wholesale Club is roughly the size of an airplane hangar and, like Costco and Sam's Club (its closest competitors), stocks its items on huge, multilevel shelves in wide aisles. Shoppers have no choice but to keep six feet apart... unless you encounter someone who just needs to grab something off the shelf at which you are standing. Then, they will practically climb into your shoes with you — pandemic or not.

In addition to the multi-aisle displays of flat-screen TVs, fleece pullovers and work pants piled to the ceiling and 10-pound packages of cloves, BJ's Wholesale Club features a bakery right on the premises. Mrs. P scanned the shelves of the open refrigerated case where a variety of birthday cakes were on display, all ready for an on-the-spot celebratory inscription of well-wishes. My wife selected a small blue & white frosted cake, protected from the elements by a small clear plastic dome. She slowly approached an opening in the service counter where she spotted a young man in a paper hat busily squeezing a colorful rope of frosting from an overstuffed piping bag. She held the cake at eyelevel as she walked, carefully turning it in her hands and checking for imperfections in the way the frosting was applied. Satisfied, she was about to hand it over the to the young man at the bakery to inquire about an inscription... when her plans were interrupted.

Or hijacked, as it were.

A man approached the service counter of the bakery, beating Mrs. Pincus by about three steps. Mrs. P instinctively stepped back. The man bellowed in the direction of the young man at the bakery.

MAN: Hey! HEY! You got cakes? Birthday cakes?

BAKERY MAN: Yes sir. Right over here. (He gestures towards the ten-foot long bakery case over which an enormous sign reading BIRTHDAY CAKES hangs.)

MAN: Oh. Right. (He makes no attempt to move towards the bakery case.) Can you write on a cake? Can you do that? Write on a cake? I need a cake with Happy Birthday written on it.

BAKERY MAN: Yes. Would you like to get a cake from the ones over here? (Again, he points to the shelves filled with cakes.)

MAN: Can you write... like... Happy Birthday on it? It's for my son. For his birthday. For his tenth birthday. Can you write something like that on it? Happy Birthday or something?

BAKERY MAN: Sure. Once you pick out a cake, I can write anything you like.

MAN: (Still ignoring the entire display of pre-made birthday cakes): I want Happy Birthday... y'know... for his tenth birthday. Can you do something like that?

(The BAKERY MAN picks up a pen and paper and hands it in the direction of the MAN. He does not accept it.)

BAKERY MAN: Just write down what you'd like it to say on the cake and I will write it... once you pick out a cake.

MAN: Just... y'know... like Happy Birthday.... um... Happy Tenth Birthday. Y'know, something like that. Can you do that? Y'know... like Happy Birthday, like I said?

BAKERY MAN: If you can write down exactly what you want on this paper... and pick out a cake... I can do whatever you'd like.

MAN: Just... um, Happy Birthday... you know. Oh wait.... let me call my wife. She'll tell me what she wants on the cake. She always takes care of this stuff.

The man pulls a cellphone from his pocket and lumbers off in the direction of the grocery section — which is opposite where the birthday cakes are on display.

At this point, a very patient Mrs. Pincus takes the pen and paper and writes out the inscription she would like on her cake. She noticed the young man at the bakery shaking his head.

www.joshpincusiscrying.com

this town ain't big enough for the both of us

Back-to-back blogs about pizza? Really? I must be hungry.

One day last week, my son E. initiated a "no pressure" gathering at a South Philadelphia restaurant/bar in honor of his birthday. The bar — Tattooed Mom's — is a favorite hangout of my son, his girlfriend and their friends. It sits several doors from the corner on the 500 block of  Philadelphia's famed South Street — which was a popular haunt for me in my high school days. When I met Mrs. Pincus, she lived in an apartment just a few blocks from South Street and I even worked at a busy ice cream store on South Street when I was a struggling art student. However, I haven't been down to "where all the hippies meet" in years — ever since I became a full-fledged "suburbanite."

These look delicious,
I couldn't tell you for sure.

Tattooed Mom's is a cool little place with funky decorations on the walls, kitschy board games on the tables and an eclectic selection of beer and cocktails that the hipsters who frequent the place seem to love. Personally, I was looking forward to sampling some of the offerings from their extensive vegetarian menu, specifically their highly-touted "tater tot" concoctions for which they have received local renown. So when Mrs. Pincus and I spotted our son sitting on one of Tattooed Mom's retro sofas surrounded by friends and beer, I reached for a menu while we said our "hellos."

"Hold on there.," my boy said to me with a cautionary tone in his voice. He explained that the waiter had just announced that back in the kitchen, the grill hood stopped working and the food preparation area was filled with smoke — ergo, no food from their enticing menu would be available until further notice.

Needless to say, I was disappointed. So were a lot of other folks. Mrs. Pincus — ever the pragmatist — came to the rescue with some quick thinking. She asked the waiter if it was okay to bring outside food in to Tattooed Mom's. "Sure." he said, "I do it all the time" ....which isn't exactly a rousing endorsement of the edible offerings when the kitchen is operating properly. My wife decided that we'd run out and get a couple of pizzas and bring 'em back. Everyone smiled with relief... and the anticipation of pizza. We walked out to South Street on a mission.

Back in my youth, when I hung out on South Street regularly, I seem to remember a pizza place approximately every four feet. There was Frank's, whose mozzarella-laden ambrosia was the reason people stood in line for a slice. Of course, there was the Philly Pizza Company, immortalized in the Dead Milkmen's 1988 hit "Punk Rock Girl." They had great pizza but obviously met their demise because they only served tea iced. Plus, their jukebox selections left a lot to be desired. These places, we soon discovered, were long gone. Now, it appears, that one Lorenzo and Sons holds a pizza monopoly on South Street, its saucy empire stretching from the Delaware River all the way up to 9th Street where upstart competitor Little Italy has bravely set up shop.

Empire State Building shown
for size reference.

We headed down to Lorenzo and Sons, expecting to bring back three or four pizzas to feed our son's guests. Lorenzo's, we soon found out, only has two items on their menu — and, technically, one is a variation of the other. They sell slices of pizza and whole pizzas. They also sell soda and water, but as far as food options — well, you better like pizza. The whole pizzas — I'd like to point out — measure a whopping twenty-eight inches across. Twenty-eight inches! More that two feet! The slices are as big as your head! While we marveled at the fellow behind the counter piling fistfuls of cheese on a disk of dough approximately the size of a manhole cover, my wife spotted a hand-written sign warning: "CASH ONLY. " A twenty-eight inch pizza was gonna set us back twenty-eight dollars (that's a buck-an-inch to you and me). We checked our wallets. Combined, our funds would barely get us one of these monsters. A skinny ATM stood silently at the end of the unnecessarily-tall counter. Mrs. Pincus reluctantly withdrew additional cash and — based on the size of these things — placed an order for two whole pies. We paid and waited. We watched a few people walk away from the counter with enormous slices of pizza, the edges not fully contained by the flimsy paper plate on which they were dispatched. A mom awkwardly maneuvered the comically-huge point of the slice into her child's tiny, unaccommodating mouth. Two "bros" confidently ordered two slices each, only to exhibit difficulty attempting a uniform first bite.

The young lady behind the counter began to assemble two capacious cardboard boxes which would contain our pizzas for the two and a half block journey back to Tattooed Mom's. The stocky fellow in the back extracted the first colossal pizza from the oven — deftly balancing its bulk on the end of an extra-large wooden peel and depositing it squarely in the box. The young lady cut the giant pie into 16 slices (at our request, making it look like a mutated version of a Chuck E. Cheese pizza) and then fit the barn door-sized lid into place. She opened the next box as another pizza was dropped into place and repeated the process.

Look at those narrow doors.

Now, I'm 57 years old and I have carried lots of pizzas in my life, but I never considered just how much two, twenty-eight inch pizzas would weigh. The answer is: "A lot." As a matter of fact, it was surprisingly — and unnervingly — heavy. At first, I struggled to balance the two pizzas comfortably. After a minute, I believed I was all set to carry these pizzas the.2 miles back to Tattooed Mom's. I barely cleared the narrow door jamb as I exited Lorenzo and Sons, my wife generously holding door open for me. I made a right and hit the gas, not stopping or yielding or even looking at who might be in my path. These pizzas were heavy in my outstretched arms. I did hear a few errant calls of "Whoa!" and "Lookit the size of them pizzas!," but I concentrated on my route, internally hoping I would make it the whole way without turning the South Street sidewalk into a cheesy, saucy, boxy mess.

I kept a steady pace. My feet efficiently covering as much ground as possible per stride. I could feel my arms quivering. I had to stop and rest, if only for a minute. Just before I reached the corner of 4th Street, I found a metal railing that I placed the outside edge of my cargo upon. I supported the closer end of the boxes with my hands as I caught my breath and regained my composure. I glanced around and noticed that the railing was in front of the inexplicably shuttered Jules Pizza — its darkened  and empty interior mocking me. (What pizza place is closed on Sunday? One that's a block and a half closer to Tattooed Mom's than Lorenzo and Sons, that's who! And they probably sell normal, human-sized pizzas!)

Don't eat that.
There's enough pizza for everyone.

I got my second wind and bee-lined it to Tattooed Mom's. I crossed the street with ballet precision and made it to the front door where a nice man from the neighboring shoe store (he was outside grabbing a smoke) opened the door for me. I left poor Mrs. Pincus in the dust, many paces behind me. Once safely inside, my son's guests saw me coming towards them and quickly cleared a space on a low coffee table near the sofa where some folks were seated. I dropped the pizzas and loudly exhaled.

E. excitedly opened the top box to reveal Pizza #1. It was glorious. Big and cheesy and inviting. His friends offered approval, most commenting that they had never seen a pizza this big. Cellphones came out and soon, social media was awash with photos of the first of the two twenty-eight inch pizzas we had brought. As Mrs. P passed out slices and napkins, we were told that the Tattooed Mom's kitchen was up and running.

But... but, we had pizza. And a lot of it.

www.joshpincusiscrying.com

birthday party, cheesecake, jellybean, boom

Yesterday was my 57th birthday.

Alexander Pope, the poet and satirist who introduced such oft-used quotes into the common lexicon as “To err is human, to forgive divine,” “A little learning is a dangerous thing,” and “For fools rush in where angels fear to tread,” died at 56.

Adolf Hitler was the leader of the Nazis and one of the most hated men in the world. With defeat closing in, he downed a cyanide capsule and shot himself at 56.

Charles Rocket, an actor and comedian, who as a cast member on Saturday Night Live, was fired for saying "fuck" on live television. He slit his own throat at 56.

Billy Mitchell, a brigadier general who is considered the "Father" of the US Air Force, was an outspoken critic of military strategy. He was convicted of insubordination and court-martialed. He resigned his commission rather than serve a five-year suspension. He died at 56.

Abraham Lincoln was the 16th President of the United States. While attending a performance of Our American Cousin at Ford's Theater in Washington DC, Lincoln was shot to death by John Wilkes Booth. He was 56.

Ian Fleming was famous and celebrated for his eleven novels and short story collections about fictional super spy "James Bond." As a counter to critics labeling him a "one trick pony," Fleming wrote the epic children's novel "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang." He died at 56 on his son's twelfth birthday.

Ludwig van Beethoven was one of the world's most influential composers. Beethoven composed some of his most famous and admired pieces during the last decade of his life, when he was almost completely deaf. After years of heavy alcohol consumption, he died of severe liver damage at 56.

Max Schreck was an actor, most famous for his role as "Count Orlok" in F.W. Murnau's creepy 1922 film Nosferatu. He died of heart failure at 56.

Rick James was a favorite purveyor of funk music. He had several encounters with law enforcement, including holding and torturing two women for six days while under the influence of crack cocaine. Rick died of heart failure at 56.

Betty Grable was an actress and popular pinup model during World War II. She died from lung cancer at 56.

Steve Jobs was a true marketing genius. Despite having never written a line of computer code in his life, he convinced the world to latch on to the technology that was Apple. He also exploited the talents of his pal Steve Wozniak. Jobs' dying wish was to never allow consumers to replace the batteries in their iPhones. He died at 56.

Warren Zevon was the anti-Jackson Browne. His sardonic tales of miscreants and headless mercenaries afforded him a cult following and the appreciation of many, including David Letterman, who welcomed Warren as the sole guest on his late-night show eleven months before the died at 56.

Charles Mingus was a brilliant and influential jazz bassist. Later in life, he suffered from amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, a disease that prevented him from playing his instrument. He died at 56.

John Hancock was one of the leaders in the United States' pursuit of freedom from England. He was the first signer of the Declaration of Independence, barely leaving enough room for the signatures of the 55 men who would follow. He died at 56.

These folks only made it as far as their 56th birthday, so I'm feeling pretty good.

Yep. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good.

www.joshpincusiscrying.com

you say it's your birthday

Who doesn't love a birthday? Some of my fondest memories surround birthdays, either my own or someone else's. I remember birthdays when I was a kid. My mom would allow me to invite three friends to go miniature golfing and then out for pizza. It was so much fun, I did that several years in a row. One year, I took the same three friends to a small, year-round amusement park not too far from my house. We spent the afternoon riding unsafe rides and later we sat at a picnic table and had the cake that my mom brought.

As I got older, birthdays, while still fun, were much different. In high school, my best friend Alan planned my one and only surprise party. I was led to his basement under false pretenses, only to discover a room full of people screaming "Happy Birthday" when Alan flicked on the lights. He even was thoughtful enough to invite the girl I was dating while my girlfriend was away at overnight camp. I actually had the whole thing figured out prior to descending the basement stairs, but it was still a great time. 

My twenty-first birthday was pretty uneventful, although I vividly remember my twenty-second. I went to a bar on Philadelphia's hip South Street and the bouncer didn't even ask for ID. I realized then that it was all downhill from here.

My son was born three days after I turned twenty-six. Birthdays took on a new and exciting quality, as my wife and I celebrated vicariously though our child. Mrs. P baked themed cakes and we decorated the house with colorful balloons and pictures of our son's favorite things — Thomas the Tank Engine, Power Rangers, Mickey Mouse. One year, he asked for an "Underdog" themed party, as he had become a fan when Nickelodeon began showing the same cartoons I watch as a child. In the middle 80s, "Underdog" party goods were kind of tough to come by. Later, my boy celebrated two different birthdays at Disneyland and had his first legal alcoholic drink at Trader Vic's in Beverly Hills. He was disappointed, however, when, as a new twenty-one year old, he wasn't carded.

Through my 30s and 40s, birthdays became less and less important. The excitement they held in my youth has dissipated with each year. I usually went to work on my birthday if it didn't fall on a weekend. I usually never told my co-workers that it was my birthday. It was just another day. My wife and I don't exchange gifts for any occasion (not for religious or moral reasons, we just don't), so birthdays were usually acknowledged by a dinner out with our son. Since our son moved out of our house and into his own, birthday dinners have been reduced to just the two of us. Don't get me wrong. I'm not sad or upset. Birthdays are just not a big thing for me.

My in-laws both turned 80 this year, their birthdays just a month apart. My wife's cousin called to ask if we had any plans to celebrate what undeniably qualifies as a "milestone." My wife said that she really didn't consider anything and thought about calling her siblings to bounce around a few ideas. Instead, she just called her parents and offered them a few suggestions. Just as I had predicted, they dismissed almost every idea — parties, trips, big dinners with lots of guests. Instead, they conceded to a small breakfast gathering following the morning service at their synagogue. This, evidently, is how 80 year-olds party hard.

Rest assured. The cops did not have to break things up and nobody passed out. 

At least not from drinking.

Happy birthday.

www.joshpincusiscrying.com

happy birthday to me

Yesterday was my 54th birthday. Yeah, no big deal. 54 isn't exactly a milestone age, unless of course, you consider the alternative.

I was thinking about all of the significant events that occurred in my lifetime (so far). I realize that 54 years, in the great scheme of things, is not a particularly long time, however an awful lot of history was made in that time.

A president was assassinated and serious attempts were made on the lives of eight more. A couple were nearly successful.

The Beatles rose to huge popularity and, at this time, two members have passed away.

A full trade embargo against Cuba was put in place and lifted.

The population of the world doubled.

The Walt Disney Company increased its theme park presence from one to five (soon to be six).

The first man walked on the moon. That man has since passed away.

The Berlin Wall was constructed and demolished.

The United States elected its first African-American president.

The 20th Century became the 21st Century

There have been six popes, two of them in the 21st Century. One of them resigned. 

A President of the United States resigned. Another was impeached.

The Woodstock Music & Art Fair happened.

Cellphones.

Cable television. VCRs. DVD players. Blu-Ray. Netflix. (The rise and fall of the video rental.)

Walkman. Discman. iPod.

And the internet... which allows for this blog.

www.joshpincusiscrying.com

the best things in life are free

Mrs. Pincus got an offer for a "Buy One, Get One Free" entree at the Hard Rock Cafe for her birthday. On Friday, we decided to take them up on it.

My wife loves to drive, so I was a bit surprised when she conceded to take the train into Center City (where the Philadelphia outlet of the Hard Rock is located). Around 7:30, we headed to the train station, in much the same way I do every morning to get to work. I think the last time Mrs. P was on a train (not counting Disneyland) was three years ago, as opposed to my three hours ago. The train arrived and we selected a seat and settled in for the brief ride. A conductor soon came by to collect fares. As a daily commuter, I flashed my monthly trans-pass, which allows full access to all public transportation. My wife gathered some money from her purse, not sure of the actual fare. The conductor smiled and said to my wife, "How 'bout a free ride?" and he kept on walking down the train's center aisle. Unsure of what just happened, Mrs. P and I looked at each other and laughed. Cool! Free train ride!

Mmmmm.... cedar paper.

We walked a block from the downtown train station to the Hard Rock. We were seated within a few minutes and presented menus. Our waiter appeared, introduced himself and explained the menu as though we had never been to a restaurant before. We each ordered the same thing - grilled salmon with broccoli and mashed potatoes. We also ordered an appetizer of the signature "Nachopalooza," a large plate of tortilla chips, cheese, beans, jalapenos, pico de gallo and sour cream. The waiter complemented us on our selections (whatever!) and said our order will be out shortly. We sat and talked, watched some vintage and current videos on the monitors scattered among the display cases of memorabilia (I got to hear my first Miley Cyrus song!), and waited for our meal.

A different waiter delivered our dinner to our table, announcing "Two salmons," as he placed the platters before my spouse and me. We looked at the plates (which looked and smelled delicious), but realized that we didn't get our appetizer. I scanned the dining room for our waiter. I looked among the tables of weary-looking tourists - beleaguered parents and tired children who had seen enough Liberty Bells and Betsy Ross Houses for one day - but our waiter was nowhere to be seen. Finally, he emerged from the kitchen entrance. I waved for his attention and motioned him to come to our table.

"How is everything, guys?," he asked. (I hate the new trend of waiters addressing an entire table as "guys" -  but that's a rant for another blog.) I explained that while our dinners looked great, we had not received our order of "Nachopalooza." He looked shocked and broke into a flood of apology. Actually, he over-apologized, but crossed the line when he revealed that he never put in the order because he was preoccupied by a larger dinner party. Not cool, dude. Don't ever tell a customer that another customer is more important. Anyway, he promised to put the order in now and they would be free of charge. Cool! Free train ride and nachos!

We finished our dinner as the nachos arrived. While it was a little unusual, we had them instead of dessert. And they were really good. (Granted, I love any form of Mexican food, even corporate chain restaurant versions of Mexican food.) Together, we cleared the plate. My wife produced her "free entree" coupon when the waiter asked if we'd like anything else. He returned to our table with a check for a mere twenty dollars. Cool! Free train ride, free nachos and one free dinner!

We made our way back to the train station for the ride home. Birthday celebrations are always fun and to quote a friend: "If it's free, it's for me."

www.joshpincusiscrying.com

for whom the belle tolls

It was little Pealy's birthday. Grandma asked Pealy who she'd like at her party and what sort of cake she would like.

Mommy ignored the conversation.

Grandma made the plans, invited the guests, bought the favors and the snacks. Grandma ordered the cake. Grandma arranged for a party organizer to play games with the kids.

Mommy had other things to do.

Grandma picked up the cake at the bakery. Grandma set up the party tables. She placed a small bag of chips and a juice box at each place setting. She made sure there were enough goodie bags for each young guest. She watched as the kids played games. Afterwards, Grandma served the cake and led the guests in a chorus of "Happy Birthday." As the children began to depart after the festivities had ended, Grandma thanked them each for coming. Pealy smiled and waved "goodbye" to her guests.

But, Mommy never came.

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that's my daughter in the water

- - -   ACT I   - - -

INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

It is a celebration dinner. A birthday party for a ten-year old. Gaily colored paper plates and napkins are laid out at each place-setting. A small representation of the family is there. Everyone has taken their place at the table. The BIRTHDAY GIRL has requested the seat at the head of the table. Her little sister PEALY sits three spaces away, separated by GRANDFATHER and GRANDMOTHER. FATHER and MOTHER are both seated at the far end of the table.

BIRTHDAY GIRL

(excited)

Has everyone seen my cake?

Isn't it beautiful?

FATHER

(loudly to BIRTHDAY GIRL and PEALY)

Y'know, everyday your mother and I have to convince ourselves not to kill you.

And every day, it gets more and more difficult to contain ourselves.

BIRTHDAY GIRL

stares silently.

PEALY

stares silently.

- - -   END SCENE   - - -

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