Recently, my outlook has changed. When I was an avid baseball fan, I would often hear other fans scream things like "Yankees suck!" Well, based on fact, that is incorrect. The Yankees have won more World Series titles (way more!) that any other team in the history of American professional baseball. Coming from a city whose baseball team holds the dubious record (based on factual statistics and years of record keeping) of the most losses in professional sports history, not just baseball, I know a thing or two about "what sucks" and what does not.
I love music. I have listened to music since I was a little kid, starting with nursery rhyme records played on my little Close & Play record player. As a pre-teen, I bought 45 RPM singles (with my own money), then full albums and, of course, I recorded hits off the radio with my little cassette recorder. I made mix tapes (and later mix CDs) and went to dozens and dozens of concerts. I have always been open to all types of music, all genres and a wide variety of musicians and singers. I can honestly say I have favorites in many different styles of music. Music does not suck. Music cannot suck. Unlike baseball, where detailed records are kept, music appeal is purely subjective. Its greatness or "terribleness" cannot even be based on record sales or concert revenue, because not all music appeals to all people. Like or dislike of music is purely and solely personal opinion. O-PIN-ION! However, most people get very, very offended if you don't like a band or singer that they like. They take it personally, as if they have some sort of vested interest in a particular singer's career. (They don't.) They act as self-appointed publicists for bands that don't know they exist. It's just music. It's not a contest. There's no right or wrong answer. You can like who you wish. It's just opinion and opinions are meaningless (like the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame). So, instead of saying "That band sucks!" I will say, "I don't care for them." Obviously, there is music that I like that someone else does not like and vice-versa. And that doesn't bother me. I won't try to convince you to see things my way. You are entitled to your opinion and I am entitled to mine.
While I like a lot of music, I also dislike a lot of music. There are bands and singers I simply don't care for, but I will listen to their music if it comes on the radio. It's funny, the music I really dislike is from five specific artists. They are popular artists, very popular, as a matter of fact. Individually, they have sold millions of records. They all have rabid fans who have loved and followed their careers for decades. They have all been honored with industry awards and four of the five have been inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (as if that means anything). The three artists that are still with us continue to sell out shows. The two that have passed on regularly appear at the top of those "If Only I Could See Them Perform" lists that frequently pop up on social media sites.
But I don't like any of them. While I certainly understand the appeal of four of the five, they just don't do it for me. I can appreciate their impact on music in general, their songwriting ability, their musical innovation, their influence. Four out of five, that is. But, in most cases, I will instantly change the radio station within the first few notes of hearing a song by these five particular artists.
I sure hope you read and understood the big red "WARNING" at the top of this blog post, because I am about to name names. I'm pretty sure someone will be offended.
5. Jimi Hendrix. In the immortal words of Lina Lamont: "I
caaaaan't stan' 'im!" I do understand his appeal and his reverence among guitar players. But, I find Jimi Hendrix's songs to be repetitive and uninspired. Often, they come across as just a five minute session of tuning up. Sure, perhaps I would feel differently if I, myself, was a guitar player. I have seen Jimi interviewed on old TV shows and he seemed like a nice, personable, humble guy... even a little shy. But his songs are maddening to me. Aimless improvisational exercises in "Look at what I can make my guitar do!" The Jimi Hendrix Experience was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1992. His Rock and Roll Hall of Fame biography says "Jimi was arguably the greatest instrumentalist in the history of rock music." I'd argue.
4. Janis Joplin. A staple among the disciples of "classic rock," Janis Joplin was been given the same ethereal status as James Dean or Marilyn Monroe. She
died young and she will forever
be young and vibrant. But, Janis Joplin's voice just gets under my skin. She
screams. No... she
shrieks, as though in pain. Perhaps, that is part of her musical expression. Maybe it's the pain of a hard life coming out through her music. But, to me, she sounds like she hit her thumb with a hammer. Play a few seconds of "Piece of My Heart" and I will gladly confess to killing the Lindbergh baby.
Again, I understand her appeal to her fans. She's the rock and roll equivalent of Billie Holliday... right? No. She's not. Billie Holiday could sing. Although I was not consulted, Janis was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1995.
3. Bob Dylan. Oh my God! Did I just say I don't like Bob Dylan?
Bob Dylan? Are you
kidding me? Yes, yes and no, I assure you, I am
not kidding. Bob Dylan wrote some great songs, I will admit. Iconic songs. Americana standards like "Blowin' in the Wind" and "Mr. Tambourine Man." But —
Jesus! — what did he do with the
money? What "money," you ask? The money he was given for
singing lessons. I do not own a single Bob Dylan album. I do not enjoy hearing his
kvetching off-key vocals coming from a radio speaker. I do not care to hear how great he is from Bob Dylan fans. And if I never hear "All Along the Watchtower" ever again in my life, I would be pretty happy. I'm okay with (most) Dylan songs sung by (most) other people. But, when I hear that nasal-y, tuneless whine and sporadic blasts from his harmonica... well I can't reach for the radio dial fast enough. In March 2020, at the beginning of a worldwide pandemic and lockdown, Dylan released a seventeen-minute ramble called "Murder Most Foul." My favorite Philadelphia radio station put the song into
immediate rotation, because...
hey! it was
Dylan. I think I would have rather contracted COVID. Bob was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1988... no thanks to me.
2. Joni Mitchell. That's right. I can't
stand Joni Mitchell. I can't stand her voice. I can't stand her tuneless, meandering delivery of her songs. I can't stand the blind allegiance of her fans singing her praises as though she had the same societal impact as Mother Teresa. Once again, I like Joni Mitchell songs by other singers. (Tim Curry's take on "Cold Blue Steel and Sweet Fire" is a particular favorite.) She sounds like she is singing a different song than what the
music is playing. Seriously, Joni... pick a melody and jump in any time. For years, I have been asking die-hard Joni Mitchell fans to whistle a Joni Mitchell song. Any one. Doesn't matter. I have been met with scowls, jeers and good old fashioned "fuck you"s. But,
dammit, if anyone could actually come up with a whistle-able tune. I recently revealed my dislike for Joni Mitchell to my classic rock-loving older brother. He shook his head dismissively and said, "Oh, I disagree." I replied, "You disagree that I don't like Joni Mitchell?"
Joni has been a recluse for a number of years. That's just fine with me. Despite what I think, Joni was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1997.
1. Dave Matthews. This guy is the one. I
cannot, for the
life of me, figure out why anyone
— anyone — likes Dave Matthews. Even among jam bands, his music is incredibly bland, safe and average. There is nothing original or imaginative about his music. No thought, no spirit. Just sounds from instruments... and not even
good sounds. And his
voice! Eeek! It's like ragged fingernails dragging slowly down a dirty blackboard. Remember that
Seinfeld episode where Mary Hart's voice would send Kramer into a seizure? That's how I feel when I hear Dave Matthews' gritty yet
grating growl of a voice. I cringe! I literally
cringe from the sound. When I hear that someone likes Dave Matthews or even paid actual money to see a Dave Matthews concert, I wonder "Was the Grateful Dead too
intense and scary for you?" or "Did you graduate from the safe, average
blandness of Bon Jovi and you thought
this would be cooler?" (
Surprise! It is not.) And Dave Matthews singing "All Along the Watchtower?" Oh my
God! Kill me now!
Just kill me now. By the way, Dave Matthews was
not included in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame's 2022 induction nominees
despite previously topping the fan ballot.
Hmm... maybe I should
rethink the validity of that Rock and Roll Hall of Fame thing.
May I once again direct your attention to the warning at the top of this post. Please re-read it and remember... opinions are like assholes. Only assholes have them.
Or something like that.
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