learned my lesson well

Well, now you got me started. After my "television" post a few weeks ago, I'm back on course to talk about my favorite household... appliance? ...accessory? ... accoutrement? How about "necessity!" That's right... television! The central part of any home. It's been your main source of information long before you had Alexa, a smartphone or even a computer. It's been an entertainer, a weather forecaster, a news stream... even a baby sitter. And it's been a teacher. You learned a lot from television. Things you know to be inarguable facts Things you would never question or debate or contradict. You learned them from television, so they must be true.

Before the generation that grew up on Sesame Street, we learned from other shows we saw on television. Like sitcoms. And Westerns. And cartoons. These sources were not only entertaining, but informative, offering timeless facts that could be used in everyday life and would form the foundations for a solid education of general knowledge.

For instance...

• Goats eat tin cans.
• You know your house is infested with mice when you find a small arch-shaped hole perfectly cut into your baseboard. Sometimes, there's even a hinged door in the hole.
• If you find yourself sinking in quicksand (and, honestly, who hasn't?), you know not to thrash around, because you will only sink faster.
• All bartenders in the Old West, served all drinks by sliding them down the bar.
• Also in the Old West, bad guys and drunks regularly fell or were tossed into horse troughs.
• The natural enemy of the roadrunner is the coyote
• Rabbits' favorite food is carrots
• Villains are easy to spot by their top hats and handlebar mustaches.
• Men openly tell their problems to bartenders... even ones they just met in a bar they've been in for the first time.
• If you are lost in the desert, you will see a giant pool of water surrounded by scantily-clad harem girls coolly waving feathers on long sticks. This will disappear in a few seconds... around the time you start drinking a handful of sand.
• When you are faced with a difficult decision, small versions of yourself — dressed like a devil and an angel — will appear on your shoulders to advise you.
• Cannibals cooked missionaries in a huge cast iron pot, while they were still alive and fully clothed. They also added sliced vegetables with very little resistance.
• The best remedy for a black eye is a steak. A large one. With a bone in it.
• A toothache is relieved by tying a white cloth around your entire head, securing it with a knot at the top.
• If the toothache persists, the offending tooth can be easily and safely removed by tying a string to it, tying the other end to a doorknob and, then, slamming the door shut.
• Amnesia is caused — and cured — by a blow to the head.
• When a woman faints, she is pregnant. Then she will soon require a steady diet of pickles and ice cream.
• Thinking about the past is always preceded by swirly vision. Thoughts about the past are in black & white.
• Listening through a glass placed against a wall instantly makes a conversation in the next room crystal clear.
• Sprinkling salt on a bird's tail renders it unable to fly.
• Bosses hire, fire and rehire employees on a daily — sometimes hourly — basis.
• Policemen have exaggerated Irish accents.
• If you dig a hole deep enough, you will strike oil. If you continue to dig, you will reach China.
• A far-fetched, implausible, outlandish story is much preferred to the truth.
• If you wear a thin mask with eye holes punched out, no one will recognize you.
• The smartest person who ever lived was Albert Einstein. The worst was Benedict Arnold.
• Mules are stubborn.
• Every house at the end of a block with a broken window and an overgrown lawn is haunted. A kid will invariably hit a baseball into it.
• In every wedding ceremony, the officiant must ask if anyone objects to the couple getting married and encourages them to speak now, as this will be their only opportunity ever. Someone will undoubtedly take them up on the offer.
• People who are drowning go under the water three times... and are kind enough to count each one off for you. If you do save someone from drowning, they can be easily revived by pumping the water out of them. This can be accomplished by pressing on their stomach. The water will spout from the victim's mouth like a fountain. If this doesn't work, the victim's arm can be used as a pump for the same purpose.
• Female teachers are either bitter and mean spinsters or alluring supermodels. There is no in-between.

I'm sure there are many, many more life lessons that came from television. If I've forgotten any, a refresher course is readily available in the form of reruns. I know I'll be watching. There's always room to expand your education.