I'm gonna add some bottom

Uncontrollable circumstances have forced a friend of mine to seek out a new bass player for his band. He decided to take the "place an ad" route, so he turned to Craig's List, the online one-stop shop for all things everything. My father used to say, "If you put your phone number in the newspaper, every nut in the world will call you." My father's prophetic warning still rings true in the Internet age, except emails have now replaced phone calls. However, nuts are perennial. So, Sly* placed this ad (The ads have been edited for privacy - JPiC):

Formed in late 2011, heavily into '60s soul/northern soul/mod/garage sounds, like Booker T. and the MGs, Small Faces, The Kinks, Georgie Fame, etc. Lineup is Hammond organ/elec. piano, guitar, bass, drums. Songs are almost a 50/50 split between instros and vocals.
We're all 'family guys' with kids, jobs, houses, etc. but we make time for this because we love it so much. Rehearsals are weekly in *******, usually weeknight evenings, gigs are 1-3 times/month, local and regional.
Someone with the tightness/groove of Duck Dunn (Booker T and the MGs), the power and joy of Ronnie Lane (Small Faces), and the cool detachment of Pete Quaife (Kinks). Background vocals would be a plus. We try to do 3-part harmonies, so if you're a good high-harmony shouter, that'd be cool.
We do try to put on a 'show', so image/energy definitely has its place. Other obvious requirements like reliable gear, transportation, etc. kind of go without saying.
 If interested, please get back to us and we'll set something up. Thanks.

and, man oh man, did he get a reply!

Yo,
If PRO LEVEL is what you're looking for, I just MAY BE the one for you !!! ODDLY ENOUGH I'm just a block or two from you, below Spring Garden, and between 9th and 10th Streets, and used to live in Fishtown [a Philadelphia neighboorhood - JPiC] (used to watch "G-Love" walkin' around the hood). I have opened up for James Brown at "Jam On The River" in Philadelphia for 10,000 or so people, and I have done gigs where just one or two people have shown up (I think we've ALL been through that). I was the bassist with the Dead End Kids, hard rock band (the former"Kings of Wildwood") for awhile, and everything in between. PLAYING is my MAIN THING, but I DO like to see A LITTLE something ($) come out of it. Some of my 10-30 amps & axes are in the pawn shop, but I can always get them out, if the need arises. I've BEEN AROUND, but was told I was the most dynamic player with Dead End Kids, by a reliable source. If you know ANYTHING about them, you know this is a TALL ORDER......... Anyway. If you feel like givin' me a shout,call (***) ***-****. As of JUST NOW, myphone minutes are down to two (2), but I'm tryin'to get the dumb-ass phone company, to realize that my debit card ACTUALLY DOES have money on it !!! Have my own wheels, gear, etc.
Talk to you soon,
Dave

Sly rolled his eyes and lamented, "This is why I absolutely loathe placing ads for musicians."  But, bass-playin' Dave wasn't finished. Thirty minutes later, he added a post-script to his initial (tirade? ramble?) whatever-you-like-to-call-it. It seems that if he wasn't getting a steady gig out of this, he would at least try to sell a guitar to make the whole endeavor worth his while.:

ALSO - I'm sellin' my Les Paul, with an asking price of $30,000. I DID have it on craigslist, but got "flagged" twice, POSSIBLY for mentioning that Slash was one of the potential buyers. Not REALLY sure why, but the money should NOT be a problem, once this is taken care of. I keep getting 5 calls in the same number of days, and then it's OFFLINE !!! Mind if I stop by. If I do it NOW, I could be back in time to eat. OTHERWISE, I could do it after 6................
On 5/19/14, Dave wrote: > P.P.S. - Sorry for the bad "space bar" on this keyboard. Many of the > words arejammed together "cause the bar can't "jam"..............

But wait! Dave still had more to say, despite no acknowledgement whatsoever from Sly. Two days after first contact, Sly received this:

“Hey, just one more thing. I don't think it's FAIR to judge one person just because another, who had ONE thing in common, turned out to be a bad choice. You may miss out on the VERY GUY you need in order to make things WORK, long term. I DID TELL YOU that I stay OUTSIDE the facility. HOWEVER I worded it before, this is precisely because I DON"T LIKE the people who stay in there. Also. I don't necessarily think your guy "turned into" a junkie. People who do that stuff lie about it all the time. It's pretty much the only constant thing about them. He most liikely just failed to tell you about it until the issue became unavoidable. Even if this IS what happened, it just shows a weak character for someone to PICK UP that kind of behavior, just because 40% or more (MY estimation) of the people around them do so. I also doubt this guy was doing the kind of work I did when he became homeless. There are basically two categories of people in there (notice I said "there", not "here"). Your bums in general, ne'er do wells, ex-cons,& junkies. On the other hand there are those who had a chink in their armor, as far as luck is concerned and who get out as soon as possible. I'm quite sure you remember my stating I was only there as long as required to be eligible for a program through which I can get out and STAY OUT. It would be POINTLESS in THIS ECONOMY, to just make a run for it, hoping in vain for work without making SURE it's going to workout. They make you WAIT nearly 6 months beforeyou're eligible for ANYTHING and then they expect you to take whatever burger flipper or WHATEVER jobis available,WHETHER OR NOT you can support yourself with it.
All the best,
Dave
P.S.- Minutes are out AS OF NOW,,but will likely be back on shortly,,as customer service is too stupid to know that my debit card has money in it. Unless it'sanother Target type scheme.”
Anyway. If you reconsider,let me know. I did not seeanything from you in my Inbox.but did not bring my glasses,and haven'tchecked it all. Just thought these ideas were important to get across and WILL LOOK to see if you sent anything. They call me "Lightning" in the studio. I'm a very fast learner and have the reputation ofbeing the BEST in any location in which I play. Sorry you got a bad taste in your mouth from that "other guy", but I really have no control over that,do I? You must be getting a lot of calls or are not quite sure with whoever you have oryou would not let another Wednesday pass by without hooking up with SOMEONE.

Sly re-read the ad he placed and finally emailed Dave, saying:

I think you may be replying to the wrong ad.

Dave responded:

Oh. Yeah, I guess.

Don't do drugs, kids. And stay in school.

www.joshpincusiscrying.com

* you remember Sly, don't you?