Wednesday, September 25, 2013

don’t bother with the local girls

(click to enlarge... if you know what I mean)

This showed up in the spam folder of my email account last week. I can't imagine why it was snagged and deemed unwanted, unsolicited correspondence by the good people at Yahoo!, whose job is to constantly look out for my well-being.

I'm sure you get a regular stream of junk email. Offers of cheap real estate, cheap pharmaceuticals, cheap electronic cigarettes and other "cheap" come-ons infiltrate my email on a daily basis. There's also the occasional plea from the relative of dead royalty who needs my assistance in transferring inheritance from their foreign municipality bank to my account here in the Philadelphia suburbs. You know, because the international hotbed for currency exchange and distribution is located between my post office and my dry cleaner.

But, this particular message caught my attention, simply for its direct approach. After thirty years in marketing, I can appreciate the art of the sale. This short and simple solicitation follows the basic rules of marketing to a T.

  1. Eye-catching subject line. This wastes no time and even starts off with a sense of urgency and a call-to-action. It is clear that, in order to take advantage, immediate response is required. This offer isn't going to last forever. It's only available for a limited time. And, making the offer more enticing, it won't cost a single red cent. No, sir! You will receive free access. Plus, don't expect to travel a great distance to take advantage of the product. No, no, a thousand times no! Availability is right in your immediate area. It can't get any better or more convenient that this!
  2. Concise message in simple words. Once you open the email (and, at this point, who wouldn't?), the offer is driven home in three simple lines of copy. It is informative, explaining a situation you may not even be aware of! Evidently there are lots of people in my area waiting to hook up right now! They are not just typical, run-of-the-mill people - NO! They are sluts, by God! And they don't cost a thing! In case you feel that the first two lines come off as being a bit coy or cagey, the last line is as clear as crystal: No cost! Easy access! They pledge willing candidates with one thought, and one thought only! These people - sluts, if you will -  are lined up to do nothing other than fuck. They won't waste your time trying to sell you a time-share or preparing your taxes. They just wanna fuck. And fuck they shall! Oh, and they are right in your area, so no need to worry about purchasing a plane ticket or packing an overnight bag.
  3. Instant gratification. You don't have to fill out an application or take part in a lengthy interview. You already have the email open and your hand on your mouse. Just click on the designated spot (as directed by the uppercase bold blue letters), and you will be experiencing the ultimate result as soon as day turns to evening. It can't possibly get any easier. Besides, it's a solemn promise.

I'm thinking of bringing this fine example of marketing genius to my next department meeting. They will either praise me for recognizing the email's adaptable marketing applications.

Or they'll throw me out on my ass.

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