trouble-free transmission helps your oil flow

I will happily and openly admit that I don't know the first thing about cars. Sure, I know how to drive a car and I know how to put gas in a car, but that's about where my knowledge ends. This, despite working in the marketing department of Pep Boys — one of the country's leading auto parts dealers — is the cold hard (and, yes, embarrassing) truth. Anything further than turning the key in the... the.... uh... key turner thing and fueling up, I have to consult an expert. 

A few weeks ago (it may have even been a few months ago), the MAINT REQD on my car's dashboard began a constant illumination after just merely blinking when I started by car for my morning commute or when I was about to drive home after work. So, like any other car owner who has been in possession of his car for nearly two decades, I ignored it. Every day, I would see that light — those nine glowing capital letters — in my peripheral vision. Taunting me. Mocking me. Forcing my mind to begin to conjure up horror stories about burning out my engine (that's a thing, right?). I thought I should probably get ready to begin thinking about calling my regular mechanic to schedule an oil change. This is some sort of regular maintenance that needs to be done to cars, although (as we have already established) I don't have the slightest inkling as to what is does. I do know that while my car is in my mechanic's shop, he always seems to find something else that requires payment above the forty bucks that an oil change sets me back. I shiver at the notion of dropping my car off the night before the appointment and make arraignments to drive my wife's car to work, leaving her without a car all day, until my car is finished being serviced, after which my mechanic will sometimes drop my car off at my house. Sometimes, he asks me to leave the keys in the car — unlocked — and he'll come by my house in the morning and pick my car up. I am not comfortable with leaving an open invitation to have my car taken for the convenience of my mechanic. Needless to say, getting service for my car is not a smooth task. It's a rather complicated and inconvenient one, as a matter of fact. To make things even more difficult, my mechanic's shop is not open on weekends. I don't like to be inconvenienced and I really don't like to cause inconvenience for my wife. (Plus, I really don't like driving her car.) I decided to make other arrangements for paying someone forty or so dollars to turn off the MAINT REQD light on my dashboard. Oh yeah.... and get an oil change while they're at it.

A quick Google search revealed a Jiffy Lube a short drive from my house. I had been to Jiffy Lubes (or similar establishments) before. The experience as I recall, was less than enjoyable. I remember being unjustly pressured and "upsold" on unfamiliar car components and services that exponentially increased the cost of the standard advertised low base price for an oil change. I remember sitting in their dirty little waiting room and being approached by a grease-smeared guy in coveralls wielding a soot-caked piece of equipment he had removed from my car. With stern yet plaintive eyes, he explained that this "cabin diffuser" or "air condenser filter" or whatever the fuck it was, needed replacement or my car would burst into flames upon the next start-up, much the way Michael Corleone's Sicilian wife met her demise in The Godfather. With no choice but to agree to a new do-hickey, another sixty-seven-fifty was added to my bill. Minutes later, the same guy would return with possibly the same dirt-encrusted part, only this time, he was calling it by a different name. After delivering the same spiel — word for word from the corporate playbook, Chapter 6 Paragraph 3 on "How to Convince a Customer to Buy Something They Don't Need" — another double digits were tacked on to my running total. By the time I got out of there, the introductory price was now in triple figures and I was late for work. Many years and many cars later, I was ready to give Jiffy Lube another chance.

This location's posted hours showed they opened at seven o'clock on Saturday morning. After a quick cup of coffee, I was pulling in to the driveway of Jiffy Lube a little after seven. Behind the large, windowed garage doors, I saw one fellow wandering around the service area. I waited. I didn't honk my horn. I just waited. I knew he saw me. I was the only car there. He apparently reached for a switch and came towards my car, ducking his head as he exited under the rising door. I lowered my window. The young man in Jiffy Lube-logoed coveralls explained that his boss had left to pick up other workers and that he was not authorized to bring customers into the building. His speech was polite and very rehearsed. He was a mechanic, much more accustomed to applying a wrench to a bolt or tightening a valve or checking a dipstick. He seemed uncomfortable using words like "authorized" and pronounced it as though it was the first time he ever used it in a sentence. I smiled and said I would be happy to wait, asking approximately how long he expected my wait to last. He shrugged, adding that his boss only left a minute earlier. 

My wait was less than ten minutes, during which I fiddled with my phone. Soon, several more coverall-clad men joined my first contact and I was finally directed into the facility with a silent series of hand gestures denoting steering adjustments to be made so as not to dip one of my wheels into the oblong hole cut into the cement floor that would allow some unseen technician access to the underside of my car. Once given the "open palms forward" universal sign for "STOP," another guy leaned into my open driver's side window and greeted me with a memorized and approved Jiffy Lube greeting. This fellow sounded equally as awkward delivering speeches as required by his employer, but he made the most of it. I was handed a rubber-insulated iPad into which I entered my name and addresses of both the home and e-mail variety. I was asked to release the hood lock and I watched as my car's hood was raised, thus blocking my view through the windshield. I was able to observe the ensuing service though the small space between the raised hood's hinges. I could see hands inserting hoses and funnels into unseen tanks and reservoirs within the bowels of my car's engine. I could feel my car shake and shimmy as someone below me was giving the underside of my car what could only be described as an automotive rectal exam.

I sat silently behind the steering wheel, only answering the one or two questions directed to me. The first was what sort of oil I preferred. Knowing full well that the answer better not be "canola," I stupidly asked what my choices were, as though an offered selection would mean anything to my limited automotive knowledge. One of the technicians showed me a screen on the iPad with pictures of different Pennzoil products — all in bright yellow containers. (Obviously Pennzoil is the parent company of Jiffy Lube.) I pointed to the yellow container with the lowest dollar amount printed underneath it. The mechanic acknowledged my decision and disappeared. The next time someone spoke to me was when I was asked to "Start my vehicle." This request came from my first contact who spoke the word "vehicle" in the same unsure tone he used when he said "authorized" earlier in the morning. [Can't I just say "car?" No! No! Our research has determined that customers feel more at ease and will spend more money if we call their cars "vehicles." So, you will say "vehicles." Never, ever use "the C word."] 

When the hood of my car slammed shut, I knew my service had come to an end. The second mechanic (who took my identifying information), told me my total. I replied that I had a coupon and fumbled with my phone to show him the screenshot that I had taken. I held it out so he could scan the barcode on the coupon, He wasn't interested. He just noted the $13 discount and reduced the bill accordingly. Well, things certainly had changed since my last Jiffy Lube experience. No more dirty waiting room. I never left my car.... er, vehicle. No more pressured upselling. No more displaying of suspect parts needing replacement. Just a flat $44 bill and I was asked to pull out of the building and my credit card receipt would be brought out to me. 

With a little direction for my first contact, I pulled out of the building and waited. The guy thanked me for my business. I quickly asked him if he was able to turn off the MAINT REQD light on my dashboard. After all, that was the real reason I just spent $44, a reasonable cost for eliminating that little annoyance. He looked at me and said: "YouTube." "What?," I countered, trying to confirm if what I just heard was, indeed, instruction to go to YouTube on my own. He continued. "There are so many cars and years and models. Just go to YouTube and find out how to do it for your car."

I sort of chuckled politely and said "Oh, thank goodness for YouTube, huh?," but I couldn't believe what I was hearing. However, I wasn't about to argue. That would be pointless. Obviously, he was not interested in getting that light turned off. Surprisingly, he pulled out his own phone and began searching YouTube for the proper instructional video himself. Just then, another mechanic brought out my receipt and asked his colleague what he was searching for. When he was informed of my simple request to turn off that dashboard warning light, he turned to me and, as politely as a first grader asking for permission to leave the classroom, he asked if he could sit in the driver's seat of my car for a brief moment. I relinquished my car to his mechanical expertise. I could see him making pressing and turning motions and not fifteen seconds had passed when he stood up and said: "All done. Thanks for coming in." I returned to my car and saw the light was no longer glowing. Mission accomplished. 

My newly oil-changed, MAINT REQD light-dimmed car took me home. In a jiffy.

www.joshpincusiscrying.com

goin' down the road feelin' bad (redux)

Early on Saturday afternoon, Mrs. P and I set out to run a few small errands. We pulled out of our driveway, drove down our street, eventually making our way to Church Road, a main thoroughfare in our small, suburban community. Wait. Don't get the impression that Church Road is a bustling freeway with on and off-ramps. It's not even a sleek multi-lane boulevard. Church Road is a winding macadam covered street that twists and turns through several quaint hamlets in Cheltenham Township. In most places, it narrows to a single lane in each direction where passing cars are so close drivers could shake hands if they so desired (and slowed down enough).

My wife maneuvered her car onto Church Road and we headed east. Within a minute of our journey, we found ourselves behind a Porsche 911. Mrs. P pointed out that it was the type that her brother always talked about and, one day, hoped to own. (The closest he came was purchasing one of the German automotive maker's early forays into the burgeoning SUV market. Sometimes the line between "sporty" and "sensible" is a thin one.) No sooner had she delivered this little anecdote, than the Porsche ahead of us slowed to a crawl. It crept along casually. I saw that traffic behind us was beginning to accumulate, as this section of Church Road had a single eastbound lane. Any attempt to skirt around on the shoulder would send a driver rambling across someone's front lawn. Suddenly, the Porsche coasted to a complete stop in front of the driveway access of a house sitting on an elevated plateau of manicured grass about seventy-five feet from the street. The Porsche's hazard lights sprung to life, blinking in a regular pattern in its elegantly-designed taillights.

And it sat.

And sat.

And sat, while traffic behind us stacked up with more and more cars. We could see the silhouette of two people inside the Porsche — a driver and a passenger — but there was minimal movement. After thirty or so seconds, the passenger door swung open and a male leg extended into view. Slowly, the owner of the leg extracted himself from the passenger seat. Once fully out of the car, he leaned his head and shoulders back inside to fumble around with something. Again, he stood up, this time, however, he was holding the long cloth handles of a dark duffel bag. The man stood for few more long seconds and, through a full grin, offered a few more long sentiments of farewell to the driver.

There must have been at least a dozen cars stopped behind us on Church Road. Stuck. Helplessly stuck. This, obviously, was of no concern to the driver of the Porsche or his passenger. He waited until his colleague ascended the driveway and climbed the stone steps to the house. Then — and only then — did he disengage his flashers and pull away from the foot of the driveway...

.... only to pull into the very next driveway a mere ten feet further. The driver threw the Porsche into "PARK" and killed the engine. It may have even been less than ten feet.

This reminded me of a joke I once heard. A very wealthy man solicited an uneducated handyman for a job. "I'll give you twenty dollars to paint my porch out back.," the wealthy man explained. He directed the handyman towards a pail of gray industrial paint and a couple of brushes. The slack-jawed handyman headed into the wealthy man's backyard. Two hours later, the handyman returned for payment. "All finished!," he announced and he accepted two tens from the wealthy man. As he shoved the bills into his shirt pocket, the handyman remarked, "I don't think that's a porch, though. I think it's a Maserati."

Maybe this guy will be in need of a handyman someday.

www.joshpincusiscrying.com

the next voice you hear

At the end of the summer, my wife's trusty Toyota 4Runner finally gave out. After sixteen years of reliable, nearly maintenance-free service, it just couldn't proceed anymore. With over 160 thousand miles tallied on its odometer, accumulated on countless journeys, it was the final few miles of a return trip from Slaughter Beach, Delaware that finally did the dependable vehicle in. The non-specific "check engine" light glowed ominously until our mechanic revealed the old workhorse was in need of a new transmission, a costly repair for a car that was pushing two decades on the road. Totally taken off-guard, we made the reluctant decision to purchase a new car. 

Jane! Stop this crazy thing!

On Labor Day, we drove over to our local Toyota dealer, the same one where we purchased our last three cars, including my 2004 RAV4 that sat almost dormant for the 12 years I took the train to work. Once in the showroom, we were approached by the same salesman that sold us our Previa minivan when our 31-year old son was a toddler. The salesman, in typical salesman fashion, told us he remembered us. (He did not.) My wife had done some online research prior to our arrival and reserved a 2018 RAV4 (in red) for herself. Our salesman led us out to the lot and we all climbed inside this shiny-new, pumped-up version of my car – fourteen years newer and chock full of technological enhancements that weren't even considered when my car was easing its way down the assembly line. There was a back-up camera and blind-spot indicators and beeps and dings and other assorted noise that alerted the driver to critical circumambient happenings, as though it was the command center on a NASA rocket launch.

We made our purchase, signed and initialed a bunch of papers and soon, Mrs. P was presented with a giant plastic key fob emblazoned with the Toyota logo. It was explained that the car did not require a key to start the engine. The dashboard sported a lighted button that fired up the engine when pushed, as long as the driver had the fob somewhere on his or her person. My wife joked that she went from driving the Flintsone's car to driving the Jetson's car.

The most important update on the hulking dashboard, of course, was the sophisticated sound system. This computer-operated, digital-displayed system integrated Bluetooth technology, HD radio and the Sirius XM satellite subscription radio. With 30 optional pre-set stations and a large screen displaying a wide variety of information, this system was, at first, overwhelming to those of us who considered an in-dash cassette deck to be hot stuff. Although it wasn't officially presented to us, we found out that with our purchase, we received a free, three-month, trial subscription to Sirius XM satellite radio. Sure, it was cool, but we really only listen to one terrestrial radio station in the Philadelphia area – the one that, bias aside, employs our son. However, free is free, so we gave it a cautious shot. First we discovered a channel that plays only big band and swing classics from the 1940s. My wife and I are huge fans of the music of that era. A little more scouting around unveiled a channel that played only Beatles tunes. Then one that plays early New Wave songs from the early 80s. Then a Billy Joel only channel, hosted by the Piano Man himself. Then, Mrs. Pincus stumbled upon the Grateful Dead channel and it was as though the red carpet to the Pearly Gates were just rolled out for her. A scenario that included twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week of Jerry Garcia and his psychedelic pals was the clincher. Mrs. P was officially spoiled.

After enjoying weeks and weeks of Sirius XM, the pending end of the trial period loomed large. The regular price of continuing the service was outrageous, as was affirmed by a number of emails reminding us of the termination of the free subscription. However, the longer we waited to make a decision, the sweeter the deals became. First, Sirius started dropping the price a little bit with each email. Then, the length of time of the proposed subscription was extended. Then, a combination of lower price and longer time period. Sirius didn't want us to leave, so they finally took a page from the Don Corleone playbook and made us an offer we couldn't refuse. My wife opened an email that enticingly put the price at fifty bucks for six more months and they'd throw in a free Amazon Echo Dot, something with which were were only vaguely familiar and were pretty sure we didn't need. But, we took the offer and we took the free Echo Dot and within two days I found myself setting up this little lighted hockey puck that plugged into the wall.

Talk to me.

Two years ago, we made a major leap into the world of advanced entertainment technology. We bought – not one – but two high-definition flat-screen televisions and signed up for the magical X1 service from Xfinity Cable. The new system came with a sleek black remote control that would respond to voice prompts. I felt kind of stupid talking to a piece of plastic, especially if I was asking to see the latest episode of Sam and Cat. I use the feature infrequently, as there are many other options to make the television do the exact same thing. Honestly, I feel more comfortable pressing a series of buttons than telling the remote what I want to watch... especially when I am by myself. Now, we have a new gadget in the house that is operated by voice commands. Granted, it was essentially free, but we still felt obligated to use it. (Actually, Mrs. P wanted to sell it on eBay, but I thought it would be cool and convinced her to keep it.)

The future is now.

Following the brief, simple set-up, our new Amazon Echo Dot was ready to heed our every command. According to write-ups and explanations about the Echo Dot's capabilities, it could control our television, control our house lights, operate and set our burglar alarm, lock our doors, adjust the heat, see who is knocking at our front door, answer our phone and a plethora of other time-saving duties. But, none of those things in our house are compatible with or equipped for the state-of-the-art technology of the Echo Dot. Instead, we are limited in its potential. Disappointed that our home was not immediately transformed into the Monsanto House of the Future (on display in Disneyland from the late 50s until the late 60s), we were relegated to having the Amazon Echo Dot perform a few amusing tricks. At this point, it was a novelty, like a little trained seal that can do a bit more that balance a beach ball on its nose. Activated by starting each command with "Alexa" (the so-called "wake word"), we get a daily report on the news, the weather, what are our choices for the evening's television viewing and other basic information. We have asked "Alexa" various trivia questions like who played a particular character in a movie or in what year did a certain event occur – questions that could easily have been answered by a few taps on our omnipresent cellphones. We have installed several "skills" (Echo's version of "apps") that allow "Alexa" to tell us daily celebrity birth and death anniversaries. We can also have "Alexa" provide musical entertainment via WXPN (our favorite radio station) or even through our new Sirius subscription. We discovered that "Alexa" can tell jokes, sing songs and recite poems all in her pleasant, weirdly-inflectioned, otherworldly female timbre – somewhat unnervingly reminiscent of HAL 9000.

"Alexa, hi."

To be honest, we are enjoying our time with "Alexa." For the first week, my wife was determined to change "Alexa"'s name to "Janet," after the adorable and obedient android on the quirky TV series The Good Place, to no avail. (The device is pre-programmed to respond to either "Alexa," "Computer" or "Echo" exclusively.)

Resigned to the fact that a name change is impossible, Mrs. Pincus is now focused on trying to get "Alexa" to say "fuck."



www.joshpincusiscrying.com

it's half past four and I'm shifting gears

Scottish author Robert Louis Stevenson explored the idea of good and evil personalities existing simultaneously within the same person in his 1886 novella The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. This was an interesting concept for the time. Interesting because it was the same year Karl Benz was awarded a patent for his motorwagen, the first four-wheeled vehicle powered by an internal combustion engine. All Mr. Stevenson had to do was observe well-mannered citizens get behind the steering wheel of Mr. Benz's invention and he would have witnessed the good-to-evil transition take place right before his eyes. Especially if he was driving a vehicle as well.

There is something about operating a car that changes people. Those with happy, generous, carefree personalities are suddenly transformed into viscous, seething, judgmental demons once they position their asses on that leather upholstery and grip that wheel at ten and two.

What is it about driving a car that makes people edgy, aggressive and downright angry? I remember when I was a kid, my mother — a lovely and sweet woman — would tool down the highway, point an accusing finger and yell, "Look at this son of a bitch!" at anyone who looked as though they may have a tiny, fleeting notion of possibly creeping into her lane. My dad would curl his lip with contempt and would often point out "assholes" on the road, as he drove one-handed, casually flicking cigarette ashes inadvertently into the back seat.

I was waiting at the train station last week and I watched as my friend Randi's husband swung his Toyota into the parking lot, giving his wife a lift to her morning commute. As he backed out of a parking space to face his car in the other direction, another car sneaked in behind him. Now, from my vantage point, he was nowhere near in danger of hitting this car, but the driver seem to feel perfectly within her rights to lean on her vehicle's horn long and hard, as though it were an air raid siren during the London Blitz. Randi's husband was trapped and had no choice but to endure this sonic overreaction. When he finally was able to maneuver his car and leave the lot, the irate operator of the offended car parked, shaking her head all the while. However, when she exited her car, a wave of calm washed over her. She was smiling serenely, walking with a peppy stride and a glint in her eye.

Imagine if people walking behaved like they do when they are in the protective confines of a car. If you accidentally bump someone's shoulder as you pass them on the sidewalk, the expected reaction is a quick "I'm sorry," maybe accompanied by a half-hearted smile. If your shopping bag inadvertently touches the pedestrian in front of you on a busy aisle at the mall, a modest apology would be offered or perhaps no acknowledgement at all. But imagine the same scenario in a car  — lightly bumping the car ahead, causing no visible damage, just a faint momentary jostling. All hell would break loose. There would be screaming and cursing and accusations and insults. Threats of lawsuits and restitution and bodily pain.

I have not driven regularly for nearly nine years. Because I take the train to work, my car sits quietly in front of my house six days a week. I only take it for a five minute excursion to the dry cleaner every other Saturday. Otherwise, it is a giant paperweight. A placeholder. Boy, can you imagine me behind the wheel with my lack of patience... ?

Remember Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, taking the furry weather forecaster out for a spin and allowing him to steer with the admonition: "Don't drive angry! Don't drive angry!" Even Bill knew the effects a car can have.

www.joshpinpusiscrying.com

gotta feel for my automobile

I woke up around 6, pretty much like I do every morning. I poured myself a bowl of cereal, made a cup of coffee and brought them upstairs to watch a little television before getting dressed to go to work. This is how most of my days begin.

As I was forcing my feet into my boots, I glanced out the window. Since I take the train to work — and have for the past eight years — my car is always parked in front of my house. I rarely move it, except for short trips to the supermarket or dry cleaners. Actually, for fear of losing my convenient parking spot, I will often take my wife's car on those quick errands. She parks in our driveway, so I know that the space will still be available when I return. However, if I do move my car, invariably, someone will have parked in my space within the few minutes that I was gone. I don't know what it is about that parking space, but it is a prime and sought-out location on my block. 

Looking out the window, I spotted something under the windshield wiper on the passenger's side of my car. I hurriedly gathered my wallet, train pass and keys. I kissed my still-sleeping wife "goodbye," and hastily went out the door. I lifted up the wiper and grabbed this small sheet of paper before the wind could whisk it away.

Hey, I have as good a sense of humor as the next guy, but what the actual fuck?!?

It was a generic-looking document, trying its very best to look official and imposing. I'm sure you've seen them before in joke and novelty stores. Someone purchased this for the sole purpose of pissing me off. And it worked. Mission fucking accomplished.

Look, it's fairly obvious that a lot of things piss me off, but this really pissed me off. A lot! I don't talk to a lot (almost none) of my neighbors. Not because I'm not friendly (which I'm not), but because... because... well, I just don't. On one side of my house, I have a woman who is a fucking inconsiderate, selfish asshole. She regularly sorts her recycling at 5 in the morning while singing show tunes at the top of her lungs. She also fights with her son at all hours, also at the top of their collective lungs. Plus, nearly every day, I find — and pick up — trash that has made its way from her overturned trash cans to my lawn and driveway. On the other side of my house, I have a family of renters who scream at their child so loudly that we can hear it right through the common fire wall that separates our individual dwellings. I try to be a good, cooperative neighbor, but I also keep to myself. I shovel my sidewalk when it snows. I take my trash out on the designated day and bring the empty receptacles back within the time period specified by the township ordinances. In the summer, I pay a guy to mow my lawn on a regular basis. I pay my property taxes on time... and in my particular township, those taxes are a bit high, if I may say so. But, I digress.

So, who the fuck feels it is their duty? obligation? right? to tell me where and for how long I can park my fucking car? Who has the fucking nerve to put a note like this on my car — to actually touch my car — and do it anonymously... dare I say, cowardly? Which one of my fucking, self-righteous neighbors is keeping a timer on how long I park my car in front of my own fucking house?

I hope whoever left that little note on my car is reading this. And I hope everyone else is listening carefully.

Gee, did that come off as "angry?" I sure hope so.

Okay... on second thought... I guess it was pretty funny.

www.joshpincusiscrying.com

...and through the wire

What a fucking ordeal this turned out to be.

My wife regularly parks her car in our driveway and I have claimed the spot in front of my house as mine. I remove my trash cans in the specified amount of time after collection. I shovel the snow off my sidewalk within the specified period after the last flake has fallen. I pay a lot of property taxes. So, I feel I am entitled to the small pleasure of having a space for my car on the street. One that is convenient to my house. I will openly admit that I am pretty protective of that space.

Since I take the train to work, my car sits in front of my house at least five days a week. Sometimes, my wife and I will go out in her car, so I don't even move it on weekends. When I do make a quick trip to the dry cleaners on a Saturday morning, nothing pisses me off more than when I return to find someone has taken my spot, especially if they have recklessly left their vehicle illegally close to the apron of my driveway. I have actually kept tabs on a car parked in "my spot" with periodic surveillance out my front window. As soon as the car pulls away, I run out to my car (parked up the street) and re-park in my rightful space.

A month or so ago, when the weather started getting nicer, I noticed some stains scattered across the sidewalk in front of my house. Upon closer inspection, I found large, oily streaks — long vertical drips, if you will — running the length of my car. My roof, windshield, hood and entire passenger's side were covered with this sticky, greasy, mystery substance. After a little procrastination, I took my car to a car wash, but ended up cleaning that crap off the car myself.  I looked around. There are no tree branches within striking distance of my car. I was baffled by a possible source. I did notice a cable or wire or something (I'm not an electrical contractor, so what do I know?) suspended from a utility line above my car and, obviously, stretching the entire length of my street. However, this particular cable was severed right above my car. Putting two and two together, it seemed that something was leaking from this cable and it was landing on my car. I decided to give the power company a call.

"Danger! Danger! High voltage!"

Coincidentally, we were having some work done in our basement (A pipe had broken inside a wall. Here's how that ended.) and the contractor smelled gas. In the Philadelphia suburbs, the gas and electricity are supplied and serviced by the same utility company. So, a call was made and when the gas worker came to check out the smell, my wife pointed out the cut cable, the stained sidewalk and the new drips on my car. He filled out a report and, later that day, several trucks were lining the street. Hard-hatted guys with strange equipment and clipboards were marching around, looking skyward, taking readings and calling headquarters. A cigar-chomping supervisor explained that someone had taken (read: stolen) the cable housing, as the removal was not authorized by the power company. He said that the material has a high lead content and it is valuable to thieves. The housing, which is now obsolete and no longer in service, was filled with mineral oil to keep the cable lubricated. When it was cut, and the weather got warmer, the oil leaked out all over the sidewalk and my car. He was, however, puzzled by the undetected theft, considering the height and awkward placement of the "spoils."

The workers paraded around my street for hours. About ten o'clock at night, a service truck was spanning my driveway and a worker was hoisted up in a cherry-picker. Armed with — what I can only assume was — heavy-duty, industrial-quality electrical tape, the worker bound each open end of the cut cable, taking extra care to secure a tight barrier of tape around any opening. When he was finished, the cable was twisted, but it would (hopefully) not leak anymore. My car was moved to the foot of my driveway to allow the trucks and workers access to the wires and their task at hand. I had full intention of moving my car back into "my spot" the next morning before I headed down to the train station.

"Not my car!"

Wouldn't you know it! Someone was parked in my goddamn parking space!

www.joshpincusiscrying.com

working at the car wash

I never wash my car. Never. I know, as a responsible car owner, you're supposed to, but I never do. And here's why...

Because I take the train to work, my car is parked in front of my house all day, five days a week. (Sometimes more, if I don't drive anywhere on weekends.) Day after day, my car rests comfortably by the curb — silent, undisturbed — obediently waiting for my Saturday trip to pick up my dry cleaning and perhaps a stop at the supermarket. 

A couple of weeks ago, as I descended my front porch steps on my way to the train station, I noticed a number of long, dark strips of something all over the passenger's side of my car. As I moved closer, I saw that the sidewalk was dotted with a similar discoloration. I looked around. Any overhanging tree branches were too far back to drip any sap (or whatever trees drip) on my car. The spots were too numerous, too spread out and not the right color to be bird droppings. I lightly touched and rubbed my finger on one of the many dried streaks that, upon closer inspection, ran the full length of my car. I didn't know what it was... but, if I stood there any longer, I would miss my train. I decided to continue my investigation when I got home from work. When I got home from work, I completely forgot about the stuff all over my car.

Of course, I saw it again the next morning. "Dammit!," I thought, "I better do something about that." In typical fashion, I let it go a few more days. Then, I remembered and I started checking Google for a self-serve car wash near my house. I figured that, when the weekend rolled around, I'd go to one of those places that offer the general public access to a high-powered hose, thus saving me some money. Then, I realized I'd have to buy a sponge and some sort of car-washing detergent, prompting a subsequent visit to an auto supply store. Then I'd have to find some rags. Shit! This was turning into a project. And I hate projects that don't result in some sort of Disneyland vacation at the end.

I changed my Google search to regular car washes and found one that I pass regularly when I go to my local Target store. I figured that paying someone to get that shit off my car was better that wasting my time (read: I'm lazy.) doing it myself.

So, this morning, I drove down to the nearby car wash and swung my car into the driveway, past an active crew of guys drying off a shiny car that had just emerged from the equipment-filled building. I pulled around to the entrance and slowly drove up to the massive car wash "menu." The prices ranged from "The Basic" for $13 all the way up to thirty-five bucks for something called "The Ultimate," that boasted an enhanced list of services, most of which I could not readily identify. A guy sporting a backwards baseball cap approached my car and I told him I'd be going for "The Basic." He typed something into a small terminal, presented me with a voucher and directed me "inside" to pay. Catching a glimpse of two more guys, with backwards baseball caps, prepping my car for entry into the soap-and-automated-brush tunnel. I walked down the narrow hall alongside the actual car wash. The wall to my right was outfitted with huge viewing windows, allowing car owners to keep tabs on their vehicles during every step of the cleaning process — sort of like the windows in a hospital nursery. At the end of the hall, a guy took my voucher and swiped my credit card. I signed the receipt and stepped outside to wait for my freshly-cleaned car.

A blue Honda was parked outside, dripping wet. A few guys, all with backwards baseball caps perched on their heads, wiped off the excess water. The car's owner got up off the waiting bench, folded up her newspaper, and headed over to her car. A minute later, my car emerged. A swarm of workers, backwards baseball caps firmly fitted on their heads, attacked my Toyota with the fervor of a pack of hyenas pouncing on a helpless zebra. My car was briefly obscured by a blur of hands and chamois. During the advertised "hand towel drying" process, I noticed one of the workers hesitantly touching an oily streak on the back window of my car. He then gingerly scratched the smear with his fingernail. Then he quickly buffed the spot with his towel and moved on to the plastic cover on my spare tire. 

A worker cocked his thumb at me, indicating that the car washing process was now completed. I hopped into the driver's seat, readjusted it to my liking and sped off to my next stop — the supermarket. When I arrived, I got out and grabbed a shopping cart from a nearby corral and saw the passenger side of my car was still covered with those grimy streaks, now even more noticeable with the untouched car finish gleaming around them.

After my grocery shopping, I angrily drove home. I raided my basement closet for paper towels and any spray bottle marked "extra-strength" or "grease-cutting formula." I also grabbed a razor blade scraper and couple of cloths that our twice-a-month cleaning lady uses to dust (or whatever she does with them).

I went outside to my car. I scraped and sprayed and wiped and polished until every last bit of that crap was off my car. The car wash had removed none of it. The only reason I went to the car wash was to have those streaks removed... and I had to remove them myself. 

And I did it without a backwards baseball cap.

www.joshpincusiscrying.com

under my wheels

My next-door neighbor rear-ended my car while it was parked (parked!) in front of my house. He rang my doorbell and sheepishly admitted to the accident (details of which were revealed by his mother later*) in an awkward exchange on my front porch. I contacted a friend who owns an auto body shop and my car was soon off for repair, with the entire cost rightly footed by my neighbor.

After a week or so, my car was returned to me as good as new (or as close to new as a ten-year old car can get). I was not really inconvenienced by its absence, as I take the train to work daily and I rarely drive on weekends. Why do I have a car then? Well, I'm not going to walk to the dry cleaners and I regularly go to concerts that are not at venues located on convenient train routes. 

When my car was returned, it was pointed out that both rear tires were in pretty poor shape. "How on earth did they even pass inspection?," was the actual assessment. I promptly made an appointment with my mechanic and I dropped my car at his shop the night before, leaving my keys and instructions in a sealed envelope that I shoved under one of the locked garage doors. The next morning, he called to say that the front tires were just as bad and he recommended replacing them as well. So, eight hundred bucks later, I was back in business. I got my car back just in time. That evening, I had plans to go to one of those "off the train route" concerts, this one remotely located in South Philadelphia.

Warning! Warning! Danger! Danger!

I hopped into my newly-tired vehicle and set out for the show. Just as I took the on-ramp to Philadelphia's notorious Schuylkill Expressway, I noticed the ominous glow of the tire sensor light on my dashboard. "Yikes!," I thought, "What didn't the mechanic do?" Here I was, doing 60 miles-per-hour on what could possibly be poorly-attached tires. Or maybe I had a flat. I lowered the radio and listened carefully, trying to slow down as cars whizzed by me on either side. The angry tire light remained at a steady amber gleam. Mocking me. Warning me of impending trouble. I pictured a tire loosening from its mount and bouncing across the four lanes as I skidded to my death on a bare, spark-spewing wheel hub. With panic being to set in, I frantically anticipated the next exit. I was approaching Girard Avenue and I passed. I was in enough trouble already without having to worry about the sketchy neighborhood surrounding the Philadelphia Zoo. ("Wow! A faulty tire AND he got shot seven times and robbed. Poor guy.") I opted for the 30th Street exit instead, where I would feel safer in the vicinity of a heavily-trafficked train station and several well-lit high rises. I pulled over into a taxicab stop and jumped out of my car. I authoritatively inspected each tire with a few kicks from my boot. I encircled my car a few more times, like most mechanically-deficient guys, half-expecting and secretly hoping a flashing neon light and a cartoon arrow to pop up and scream "Here's your problem, idiot!" But, no such luck. I called Mrs. Pincus and told her I was blowing off the concert and heading back home. She suggested I take a different route, avoiding the high-speed requirements of the Expressway. I obliged. I got back in my car and carefully maneuvered my way into traffic and through the city to Broad Street, a main thoroughfare, though punctuated by traffic lights at nearly every corner. I slowly drove the thirteen miles to my house.

When I finally arrived home after the grueling, white-knuckle journey, envisioning my demise at every trolley track and pothole, I dropped my car off at the now-closed mechanic. I scribbled a note describing my ordeal and, leaving my key, shoved another envelope under the locked garage door.

I called the mechanic bright and early the next morning. He said he was working on mu car as we spoke. It was not a problem. He explained that the tire sensors work differently in older cars and he only needed to make a small adjustment or two. He assured me that at no time was I ever in danger.

I missed the concert, but better safe than splattered across the asphalt... or however that saying goes.

www.joshpincusiscrying.com

Nice work there, Alex

* She told my wife that her son, Alex, was very upset by my reaction to the accident. I was puzzled by this, because I did not yell or even raise my voice. I slowly walked to the curb where my car was parked and evaluated the damage aided only by the illumination of a nearby streetlight. When I saw the giant crack in the spare tire cover, I muttered, "Well get it taken care of." and I walked back into my house to finish my interrupted dinner. I later found out that, near tears, Alex asked his mother, "Why doesn't Mr. Pincus like me anymore? He liked me when I was a kid?" Oh, I don't know, Alex, maybe it has something to do with you just hit my fucking car!