razor's edge

I hate to shave. I. Hate. To. Shave. Hate it. Hate. It. I think I have made it pretty clear how I feel about shaving.... and that is..... I hate it.

I used to watch my dad shave. That was a nightly ritual for him. Nightly! My dad shaved every night. Every goddamn night! I had one of those toy razors that hung in the supermarket on the same racks as jacks and those little green army men whose feet were fused to a little slab of plastic so they could stand up. My mom would buy me one of those kiddie shaving kits and I would stand in the bathroom alongside my dad while he shaved. He'd smear lather all over my face and I'd mimic the faces my dad would make as he guided his razor around his nose and chin and Adam's apple. I imitated the same actions with my little one-piece, bladeless, plastic razor. One summer, my mom won a hot lather dispenser on a wheel in Atlantic City, Of course, she gave it to my dad. This little gadget, once loaded with a standard can of shaving cream, would spit out steaming lather, just like at the barber shop — well, at least the barber shops you saw on TV. My dad would extract a dollop of hot shaving cream for me and then one for himself and we were shaving like the rich folks did — in their rich bathrooms with their rich hot lather dispensers that rich people had... I guess. After the initial can of shaving cream was used up, my dad went back to shaving with unheated cream straight from the can.

I started shaving with a real razor when I was about sixteen. I started off using my dad's electric razor. (He had dispensed with his hot lather dispenser.) After using an electric razor, it never quite felt like I had shaved. When I was a teenager, however, it was cool to try to grow a beard. But, when I got a job scooping ice cream at a place where facial hair was frowned upon (like working at Disneyland or playing for the New York Yankees), I had to shave regularly. The guy that owned the ice cream place didn't care for the quality of the shave I received from my dad's electric razor. That's when I was forced to master the fine art of shaving with a razor. I bought a disposable razor (a cheapo Bic) and that did the trick. I was able to get rid of the first bits of "beard" that had sprouted on my teenage face — along with a layer of skin.

I've had a beard and/or mustache on and off for many years. It's not because I like how I look with facial hair. It's because I hate to shave (Please see the first paragraph to remind yourself of how I feel about shaving.) When I have grown a full beard, I rarely — if ever — trimmed it, because I considered that to be shaving. Once, at a job, a coworker asked me my age. I had a full beard at the time, peppered with gray hairs mixed among my natural brown. I chuckled and dared him to guess my age. He looked me up and down and ventured a guess that was fifteen years over my actual age. The next day, I saved my beard off. And I kept it off for years.

When I started working in the marketing department of a large law firm, I got into the habit of shaving every day. I was going through those disposable razors like firewood during a particularly cold winter. I was required to offer a presentable and professional appearance as a reflection of the law firm. Sure, I was dyeing my hair bright orange at the time, but it was always properly groomed and my face was always clean shaven. It was brutal and I hated shaving even more.

I no longer work at that law firm. Now I work for a commercial printing company. The dregs of society work for commercial printers and nobody gives a shit how I look. I can shave (or not shave) as often as I wish. So, I choose to not shave for as longa as I can, until I decide to finally shave. Sometimes I catch a glance of myself in the mirror and I notice I bear a striking resemblance to the guy that Aladdin runs into in the dungeon that's actually the evil Jafar in disguise. (Except for the teeth. My teeth are in better shape and I have the dentist bills to prove it.) My beard — which now is fully white — is wild and unkept and badly in need of a trim. Better yet, I will determine upon closer inspection of my reflection, my beard should be cut off entirely. I always keep a stock of disposable razors on hand, but, Mrs. Pincus found a Gillette Fusion razor she had received as a trial sample someplace. She asked if I wanted to give it a try. I shrugged and said, "Sure. What the heck!"

The Gillette Company makes a lot of razors in a wide variety of prices and they all do pretty much the exact same thing. The Fusion razor, which employs a five-blade cartridge, runs around twenty-two bucks. The one Mrs. P gave me was free — a promotion used to get a potential customer to purchase refill blades in the future. I got one shave out of the non-brand name disposable razors I was using. By the time I got around to shaving, my coarse beard would render the blades unusably dull by the end of a shaving session. I took the new razor, my trusty electric beard trimmer and can of shaving cream and went into the bathroom to rid my face of several week's of beard growth. The Gillette Fusion was terrific! Without trying to sound like a commercial, it was the closest, smoothest shave I have ever had. I rinsed off the Gillette Fusion and stuck it in the medicine cabinet,  hoping it would provide another close shave the next time I decided to employ its service — whenever that would be.

When I got around to shaving again (probably six or seven weeks later), I grabbed my Gillette Fusion and, once again, it delivered an equally close shave. No cuts, No nicks. Just a clean close shave. Jeez! I really am starting to sound like a commercial, but, I swear, I am not being sponsored by nor am I receiving any sort of compensation from the Gillette company. Again. I rinse any shaving cream residue and stray whiskers from my razor and stored it until needed.

This has been going on for months. I keep getting a great, close, clean shave from the same five blades attached to the Gillette Fusion handle. Months, I tell you! The blades are just as sharp, just as accurate as the day Mrs. P asked if I wanted to give it a try. Just to be safe, I bought a replacement pack of blades for fifteen bucks. I haven't touched those supplement blades yet, as the original set is just fine. The original blades have provided the greatest shaves I have had in nearly a half century of shaving.

I shaved just this morning (after catching a fleeting glimpse of what I thought was Santa Claus in a mirror). My ol' reliable Gillette Fusion is still showing no signs of dulling. I still hate shaving, but now... now.... it has become a test. A test of endurance. 

So far, Gillette is winning.

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