loose lucy

You know what I did this week? I watched television. So, let's talk about television... okay? I haven't talked about television in nearly two weeks. Specifically, I want to talk about the unofficial Queen of Television — Lucille Ball.

Lucille Ball is so beloved by so many, they even named her first TV series I Love Lucy. But, guess what? I hate Lucy. Not the show. The actress. But, wait.... I'm jumping ahead. I used to really like Lucy. Back when she was one of Hollywood's top "glamor girls," Lucy was a delight. She was beautiful like Gene Tierney. She was feisty like Barbara Stanwyck. And she delivered snappy dialog like Rosalind Russell. She starred in some film noir, in which she totally nailed the part. She acted alongside Ginger Rogers, Red Skelton and even the Marx Brothers — always able to hold her own. She appeared in musicals, like Best Foot Forward, playing an unobtainable "screen version" of her glamorous self. She even auditioned for the coveted role of "Scarlett O'Hara" in Gone with the Wind (along with a zillion other actresses). But, something happened to Lucy and I'm not sure what is was. Maybe it was her rocky marriage to Desi Arnaz, the dashing and charming band leader, whom she met on the set of the 1940 musical Too Many Girls. Desi was an out-of-control womanizer, as well as a chronic drinker. Despite his unsavory behavior, Lucy and Desi married in 1940 and nearly ended it four years later when Lucy realized that Desi couldn't be trusted. However, Lucy reconsidered and stuck with Desi. In 1948, Lucy began a CBS radio comedy called My Favorite Husband, in which she played the zany wife of a bandleader. The show, which co-starred actor Richard Denning, was a hit and CBS asked Lucy to develop the show for the fledgling medium of television. At first, the network balked at her proposal of casting her real-life husband in the role of her character's band leader spouse. CBS executives were convinced that the TV viewing public was not ready to see an All-American redhead married to a Cuban. After much discussion, the network relented and added I Love Lucy to their lineup, based on the wild success of a recent Lucy-Desi live performance tour.

Funny folks to the right, please.

I Love Lucy featured a much, much different Lucy. This was not the elegantly poised beauty who seductively sashayed across the Silver Screen for nearly two decades. This was a whining, conniving, lying, deceitful, spiteful, silly, embarrassing, unpredictable, madcap harpy who got tangled up in complicated dilemmas of her own doing. I have seen every single episode — all 181 of  'em — and I just don't find Lucy even remotely funny. Desi, as the beleaguered yet energetic "Ricky Ricardo" was funny. The under-appreciated Vivian Vance, as Lucy's loyal friend and landlord "Ethel Mertz," was funny. Even William Frawley, as a perennially-cantankerous "Fred Mertz," was funny. The recurring troupe of supporting players, like Gale Gordon and Frank Nelson, were funny. The only cast member who wasn't funny was Lucy. She was the buzzkill for every scene, every situation, every joke. I cannot — for the life of me — figure out how anybody thought she was funny. She spent nearly every episode trying to sneak her uncoordinated, off-key-singing, talentless self into her husband's professional and rehearsed nightclub act. Somebody thought this was funny! So funny, that the show has been running regularly somewhere, in reruns, since its cancellation 63 years ago. 63 years!! 

Actually, Lucy had hoped that having Desi around the set daily would allow her to keep a watchful eye on his potential infidelity. Well, that didn't stop Desi at all. Their marriage only lasted a few years after the demise of I Love Lucy. As a result of their divorce, Lucy bought out Desi's interest in Desilu Productions, which produced such popular series as The Untouchables, Star Trek, and Mission: Impossible, making her the first woman to run a major television studio. Lucy continued to make movies (She was considered for the Angela Lansbury role in the 1962 political thriller The Manchurian Candidate), but hoped to return to television. CBS reluctantly agreed to a solo Lucy project in 1962. The network, for which Lucy was so successful, was not convinced that Lucy could carry a show by herself. So, with the addition of co-star Vivian Vance, The Lucy Show premiered October 1, 1962. The Lucy Show carried over the same annoying antics that Lucy employed on I Love Lucy. She meddled into situations where she didn't belong or wasn't wanted. She lied to her boss, played to slow-burn perfection by the reliable Gale Gordon. And, of course, she treated her long-suffering pal Viv like shit. 

Vivian Vance was a sport. She agreed to come to her friend's rescue on the new series — providing her character be named "Vivian." She stated that, for seven years, she constantly had people greet her with "Hi Ethel!" and she was sick of it. But, after three years and growing tired of commuting between Los Angeles and her New York home, Vivian left the series. So did a number of cast members... and three writers. The show was revamped and soon re-emerged as a showcase for Lucy's many show-business friends. Their appearances were worked into preposterous scenarios, including possible Vivian Vance replacement Ann Sothern as a countess that was friendly with Lucy's "Mrs. Carmichael." Big stars like Dean Martin, Milton Berle, Jack Benny, as well as popular TV stars like Barbara Eden and Bob Crane, made weekly appearances on The Lucy Show, regardless of how much sense the plot made. As soon as The Lucy Show ended its run, Here's Lucy began. It was essentially the same show, except Lucy was now supported by her real children Lucie Arnaz and Desi Arnaz Jr., in addition to Gale Gordon as Lucy's irascible brother-in-law. Oh, and the front door to Lucy's house was on Stage Left instead of Upstage Center. This show was just as absurd as its predecessor. Yet, it ran for a incredible six seasons. 

In 1985, Lucy received rave reviews for her touching portrayal of a homeless woman in the made-for-TV movie Stone Pillow. But just when things were looking brighter for her career, she attempted the sitcom genre once again. This time as a widowed grandmother in Life with Lucy. It was cancelled after a mere eight episodes and ranks as one of the worst sitcoms of all time.

I don't want to you think that I have nothing nice to say about Lucy. I do, in fact. Lucy was instrumental in getting the original Star Trek series to the airwaves. 

The opening for Here's Lucy featuring the little Lucy animated puppet, was adorable. Sometimes, I would tune in just to watch that and then switch to something else.

And, we obviously have Lucy to thank for inspiring Divine and so many other drag performers for years to come.

Sometime in the 60s, when Lucy was still pretty popular, she made an appearance on the Mike Douglas Show, a national talk show that was filmed and produced in Philadelphia. While she was in the area, she made a stop at the set of a beloved children's program that was broadcast locally on a CBS affiliate station. Accounts of her visit describe Lucy's demeanor as "belligerent," "demanding," and "nasty." She did, however, send the host a thank you gift and note expressing her pleasure during the visit. 

This statue in Lucy's hometown of Jamestown, New York sums things up pretty well. It looks nothing like Lucy and Lucy's career looked nothing like comedy.

www.joshpincusiscrying.com