talk talk

Sweet Jesus, can Simone talk! Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk! She doesn't slow down for a second. Not to take a breath nor to gather her thoughts. She jumps from one topic to another, offering her vast knowledge. And she is an authority a wide variety of subjects* - everything from where to get your car repaired to which foods contain dangerous amounts of carbohydrates. She elaborates exponentially on each topic, driving home her point by repeating everything she just said four or five more times. 

I usually tune her out, although she speaks at such an ear-shattering level that it can sometimes be a difficult task. But, for the most part, I have managed only hear a muffled noise when she speaks... sort of like the teacher's voice on the old Charlie Brown animated specials. Every once in a while, some inane statement will catch my attention, like the time she insisted that her cat shed actual tears because she was depressed.

Last night, Simone went on and on about a product she discovered called Polar Seltzer. She loudly and relentlessly sang the praises of Polar Seltzer, as though it was the true elixir of life, repeating her points several times. I believe she actually began and told her tale three different times, from beginning to end. It went something like this:

"Have you ever heard of Polar Seltzer? It's called Polar Seltzer and it's a seltzer and it comes in a hundred well maybe not a hundred but a lot of different flavors All kinds of flavors and not regular flavors but flavors that nobody else makes It's kosher and it's kosher for Passover but nobody carries it because it's so good that every place is out of it And it's kosher but it didn't come out for Passover this year but it's kosher KOP It's kosher and it's bottled locally because I know someone who said that the bottling plant is right down the street from them But you can't find it anywhere because nobody has it And it's kosher and they make holiday flavors and it's not out yet And in the winter they have holiday flavors but you can't find it anywhere and it's really good and they have different flavors and it's bottled locally right near someone I know. And it's kosher."

While she spewed out her repetitive nonsense, I silently did a Google search for "Polar Seltzer" on my smartphone. Now, we live in Philadelphia. I discovered that Polar Beverages are bottled at the company's headquarters in Worcester, Massachusetts. They have been for 125 years. Hardly local. I wasn't interested in any other statements that might have followed.

I sighed and, once again, tuned Simone out.

www.joshpincusiscrying.com

* I am being so sarcastic.